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Film Review: DEATH WARRANT (1990, Deran Sarafian)

May 5, 2014, 1:32 pm
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Stars: 4 of 5.
Running Time: 89 minutes.
Tag-line: "He loves a good fight."
Notable Cast or Crew: Jean-Claude Van Damme, Cynthia Gibb (SHORT CIRCUIT 2, YOUNGBLOOD), Robert Guillaume (BENSON, BIG FISH), George Dickerson (Laura Dern's dad from BLUE VELVET, DEATH WISH 4), Art LaFleur (COBRA, FIELD OF DREAMS), Joshua John Miller (TEEN WITCH, NEAR DARK), Abdul Salaam El Razzac (GLORY, TERMINATOR 2), Larry Hankin (ESCAPE FROM ALCATRAZ, HOME ALONE), Al Leong (DIE HARD, LETHAL WEAPON, BIG TROUBLE IN LITTLE CHINA), and Patrick Kilpatrick (LAST MAN STANDING, ERASER).  Written by David S. Goyer (THE DARK KNIGHT, BLADE, BATMAN BEGINS).  Produced by Mark DiSalle (KICKBOXER, BLOODSPORT) and Andrew G. La Marca (ROBOCOP 3, TIMEBOMB).  Directed by Deran Sarafian (ALIEN PREDATOR, INTERZONE, TERMINAL VELOCITY).  Cinematography by Russell Carpenter (CRITTERS 2, TRUE LIES, Oscar-winner for TITANIC).
Best One-liner:  "I don't pay... I don't punk!"

DEATH WARRANT holds the wonderful distinction of being a "lost" Cannon Film.  "Lost" not in that it was ever missing– only in that though Cannon actually produced it, it doesn't have this wonderful beacon of light shining the way to its first reel:

The way I understand it, it was written and shot as "DUSTED" from a script by USC student David S. Goyer (who went on to write the BLADE series and co-write the Nolan BATMAN movies), but post-production, Cannon underwent its first bankruptcy and split up the Go-Go boys (which led to the whole Yoram Globus' LAMBADA vs. Menahem Golan's THE FORBIDDEN DANCE IS LAMBADA fiasco) and MGM ended up with most of the Cannon library.  (Golan took over the 21st Century Film Corporation from 1990-1996 and Globus limped along with a scaled-back version of Cannon Films till 1994.)  Whew.

To make a long story short, the completed DUSTED was left in the hands of MGM's distribution wing who changed the title to DEATH WARRANT, and the rest is history.  So I guess you could say Cannon Films is DEATH WARRANT's common law husband–  only because Golan and Globus weren't able to put that beautiful Cannon ring on DEATH WARRANT's dainty finger and make an honest woman of her.

 Always a bridesmaid, never a bride.

Now that you know DEATH WARRANT is actually a Cannon Film in disguise, it will make a little more sense that it seems to be a loose, prison-set reimagining of COBRA, with elements of CYBORG, RUNAWAY TRAIN, and MURPHY'S LAW thrown in for good measure.  It's sort of an artsy affair, too, featuring a lot of nice lighting and well-framed shots, courtesy of future Oscar-winning DP Russell Carpenter.


Here, JCVD is "Louis Burke," a happy-go-lucky French Canadian cop ("This is L.A., not Canada– we have procedures here!") hot on the trail of the indestructible "Sandman" (Patrick Kilpatrick), a madman who commands a criminal army.  If you think that sounds exactly like Stallone's "Marion 'Cobra' Cobretti" seeking the superhuman "Night Slasher" (Brian Thompson) and his axe-wielding brigade in COBRA, you'd be exactly right.  But let me ask you:  did COBRA have a scene where Cobra and the Night Slasher almost kissed?

See?  Totally different movie.

 As if it wasn't 'COBRA enough' already, the film also co-stars Art LaFleur as an abusive prison guard:

 whom you may recognize as Stallone's crusty Captain in COBRA, among other roles.

Anyway, the film diverges somewhat from COBRA when JCVD goes undercover in prison ("You're from Quebec, no one will recognize you!") to investigate a totally separate case that involves prisoners being mysteriously murdered for their body parts.  Helping on the case is Cynthia Gibb (SHORT CIRCUIT 2, YOUNGBLOOD)
 
who fills in for the JCVD trope of a no-nonsense, spunky female reporter (here, a no-nonsense, spunky cop).

JCVD gets some obligatory "naked solitary confinement" in there:

(What is this, the prison from DEMOLITION MAN?)

and everything seems to be going fine, but, of course, the line "You're from Quebec, no one will recognize you" doesn't always hold up, and...  enter, Sandman!  (Cue obligatory JCVD/Christ torture scene– as seen in every single other Van Damme film.)

 

JCVD has a big showdown with the Sandman, there's a prison riot, and then the film conveniently forgets about three or four plotlines (including the body-part-stealing mystery that he infiltrated the prison to solve in the first place) and the "Big Bad" who we never suspected appears to get away with his crimes scot free because we were all distracted by how awesome JCVD's climactic fight with the Sandman was.

and the flaming Jean-Claude crazy face– that's sort of distracting, too.

So that's the film in a nutshell– now on to the minutiae I so adore:


#1.  Jazz-Casual Van Damme.

In one of his first scenes, JCVD appears at the police station with a spring in his step.  It's character development time, and they need to establish that he's a free n' loose n' bushy-tailed kinda guy who saunters around to jazzy MIDI tracks and is all hugs and high-fives and handshakes.  Who needs to be the life of the party when you're the life of the office?  I have chronicled the beauty of this moment in a clip I have entitled "JCVD starts his day nice n' breezy."


If I had one wish, it would be that I could wake up every morning feeling like THAT (and to that music).


#2.  Joshua John Miller.  Son of Father Karras from THE EXORCIST (Jason Miller) and sometimes known as "that weird kid from the 80s" from his appearances in TEEN WITCH, RIVER'S EDGE, NEAR DARK, CLASS OF 1999, and HALLOWEEN III. 

Here he plays the "hacker kid" archetype (do we blame WARGAMES for this?) who assists Cynthia Gibb in her prison research.  He gets to be smarmy and nerdy and hits on an older woman, so there's that.


#3.  George Dickerson.
Best known (to me) for playing Laura Dern's father in BLUE VELVET, George Dickerson was already a Cannon alumnus (he's in DEATH WISH 4: THE CRACKDOWN), and he excels at playing benevolent authority figures with a little something "off."  I can't tell if that extra something is added by an unintentional streak of 'bad acting' or if it's evidence of subtle genius at play.  Either way, the end result is the same:  George Dickerson is terrific.


#4.  Frightening Sandman One-Liners.
Anything and everything you would expect is here, from "Time to go to sleep!"  to "Bring me a dream, Burke.... BRING ME A DREAM!"  You'll be reciting this stuff for weeks.


#5. Jean-Claude don't pay– and he don't punk!

Ah, Day 1 of prison.   JCVD's new roomie– played by poor man's David Patrick Kelly and pleather vest aficionado Conrad Dunn– tells him to get on his knees and give him a beej–
but being a street smart kind of guy, JCVD manhandles him and explains:
"I don't pay... I don't punk."  To which the new roomie replies:  "I was just jerkin' you around– you don't have to be a hairball about it."  God Bless Cannon Films.


#6.  The magical prison-basement drag-queen underworld ("You gotta cover your ass down here– literally!"), which totally recalls the "descent into the Kumite underworld" sequence in BLOODSPORT.  I swear it's intentional.
Past the chiffon curtains, there's a kind of improbable "anything goes" zone, where there's free and easy access to makeup and costume jewelry and vanity mirrors and headshot photographers and the like.
The domain is ruled by the pimp king "Priest" (brilliant character actor Abdul Salaam El Razzac) who, like Gary Oldman in TRUE ROMANCE, is a little terrifying and likable at the same time.  He's pictured here, between the bored-lookin' gal on the left and the Rick James-inspired courtesan on the right.
With intensity and eventual pathos, he carves his own niche out of DEATH WARRANT and turns it into the Abdul Salaam El Razzac Acting Workshop.  Nice job!


#7.  So there's no Danny Trejo.  Which I think is actually a violation of the "Danny Trejo Must Appear in Every Movie Where There's a Scene in a Prison" Act of 1985, signed into law by President Reagan.  But, thanks to a loophole in the "If There's Action of Any Kind, There's Al Leong" Amendment to the Constitution, we at least get Al in there.
Nice to see you, Al.  Now go fight Van Damme- he's got a hold of a mop handle!


#8.  Barbel fight.  The fights get pretty creative in DEATH WARRANT.  And frankly, two dudes trying to kill each other with free weights grabs the attention
(and Jean-Claude gets out of this unfortunate barbel-to-the-throat predicament by... grabbin' some nuts).


#9.  Also, broken lightbulb knife fight.
"Time to bleeeeed!"  This should be fairly self-explanatory, but that doesn't make it any less fantastic.


#10.  No splits.  Damn!  

Sure, JCVD gets plenty of kick-blasting opportunities for leg extension
but never actually does one of his trademark splits.  The sad thing is, there's a scene where JCVD hides from prison guards atop an ventilation shaft which was clearly tailor-made for an acrobatic JCVD split.
 See?

Ah, well.  Still, I gotta give this thing four stars.

–Sean Gill
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BIG TROUBLE IN LITTLE CHINA Comic Book Sequel

May 12, 2014, 8:27 am
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This is pretty exciting:  a comic book sequel to BIG TROUBLE IN LITTLE CHINA by Eric Powell and Brian Churilla and overseen by Carpy himself is being released this June.  Now, I'm gonna be honest: I'm not a huge comic book guy, and wasn't entirely sold right off the bat.  BIG TROUBLE IN LITTLE CHINA is one of my favorite films, and I'm not always agreeable to a little legacy-tampering even it's relatively harmless.  (Plus, who knows how much input Carpy really had.)  But then I did some digging and saw some of the artwork:

It would seem it's an immediate sequel to the film, picking up seconds after the film's end, with the Yeti-Chewbacca monster clinging malevolently to the backside of the Pork Chop Express.
Then, subsequent artwork makes it seem as if they become straight-up buddies:

And then here we add Dennis Dun's Wang Chi in the mix–

Wait a minute– wait one gosh-gadoodlin' minute– lemme get a close-up here:

Yes.  Yes.  A million times yes.  The creature is now wearing one of Jack Burton's trucker hats and a t-shirt that says "BUY ME A DRINK AND I'LL TELL YOU I'M 18." It's time for a slow-clap standing ovation like at the end of ROCKY IV.  I am on board, signed up, pre-ordered, recruited, enlisted, and all that jazz.  No word on whether the Coupe de Villes will be making a cameo appearance, though my fingers are crossed.
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Only now does it occur to me... JAILBREAKERS

May 16, 2014, 8:28 pm
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Only now does it occur to me... that dual John Carpenter exes Debra Hill and Adrienne Barbeau ever worked together without Carpenter (they had collaborated previously on THE FOG and ESCAPE FROM NEW YORK).


 I'm havin' flashbacks to Antonio Bay.


The project in question was a series of Showtime made-for-TV movies called REBEL HIGHWAY produced by Lou Arkoff (Sam's son), Willie Kutner, and Hill.  They were a throwback to the 50s "greasers/girls gone bad/motorcycle delinquents" genre and featured segments directed by Joe Dante, Allan Arkush, John Milius, Robert Rodriguez, and Ralph Bakshi, among others.  JAILBREAKERS was William Friedkin's installment (with a script by co-written by Debra Hill), and while you should not expect anything resembling typical Friedkin quality, it's a fun enough time with a great "90s trying to do the 50s and failing" vibe.


Pictured: the 1950s.

JAILBREAKERS indeed is the tale of a good girl gone bad; the girl in this instance being Shannen Doherty, who already seems kind of bad at the beginning, or at least bored n' bitchy.

Is the 'H' for HEATHERS?

It turns into a sort of "young couple crime spree" movie when she joins up with no-good greaser Antonio Sabato, Jr. (in the vein of GUN CRAZY, BADLANDS, BONNIE & CLYDE, what have you).

It has supporting roles by young Adrien Brody and Sean Whalen ('Roach' from THE PEOPLE UNDER THE STAIRS), too, and they make the best of their screentime, I suppose.


But back to Adrienne Barbeau– she plays Shannen Doherty's often-mortified mom in a fairly subtle, understated performance.  At one point, she plays the classic 50s housewife, hosting a backyard barbeque.

Or would that be a Barbeau-que?

Stepping outside the film, I must post the question:  upon their reunion, thirteen years after ESCAPE FROM NEW YORK, I wonder what Debra and Adrienne talked about?  Ah, to be a fly on the wall.

In closing– this one's mostly for fans of 90s camp and Friedkin completists, though it's not without its redeeming factors.
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Film Review: THE PHANTOM (1996, Simon Wincer)

May 20, 2014, 8:06 am
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Stars: 3.8 of 5.
Running Time: 100 minutes.
Tag-line: "SLAM EVIL!"
Notable Cast or Crew: Billy Zane (TITANIC, TALES FROM THE CRYPT: DEMON KNIGHT), Kristy Swanson (DEADLY FRIEND, BUFFY THE VAMPIRE SLAYER), Treat Williams (DEAD HEAT, HAIR), Catherine Zeta-Jones (ENTRAPMENT, THE MASK OF ZORRO), James Remar (RENT-A-COP, THE WARRIORS, 48 HRS.), Cary-Hiroyuki Tagawa (MORTAL KOMBAT, PEARL HARBOR), David Proval (INNOCENT BLOOD, THE SOPRANOS), Casey Siemaszko (THREE O'CLOCK HIGH, BACK TO THE FUTURE), Samantha Eggar (THE BROOD, CURTAINS), Jon Tenney (MASTERS OF HORROR: HOMECOMING, TOMBSTONE), Patrick McGoohan (THE PRISONER, SCANNERS, SECRET AGENT).
Screenplay by Jeffrey Boam (THE DEAD ZONE, LETHAL WEAPON 2, INDIANA JONES AND THE LAST CRUSADE, THE LOST BOYS).  Second unit directed by legendary stuntman Vic Armstrong (RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK, LIVE AND LET DIE, SUPERMAN, BLADE RUNNER, BRAZIL, RETURN OF THE JEDI).  Produced by Robert Evans (CHINATOWN, MARATHON MAN), Alan Ladd Jr. (BRAVEHEART, VILLAIN), and Joe Dante (GREMLINS, EERIE INDIANA), among others.
Best One-liner: "No smoking in the skull cave."

In a familiar, darkened alleyway:

"You know how I've been on a Billy Zane kick?"
–"Yeah, I guess."
"Well check out this one-sheet: look what I finally got my hands on."
–"SLAM EVIL?"
"No, THE PHANTOM!"
–"Well, it looks like it's called SLAM EVIL."
"No, it says THE PHANTOM.  See, down there."
–"Yeah, exactly.  It's all the way 'down there.' So this movie is called 'SLAM EVIL' and it stars The Phantom.  Wait, is that Billy Zane?"
"Do you listen to anything I say?"
–"Not really.  Is it worth seeing?"
"Yeah.  It's good.  I mean, I use that word relatively."
–"I always assume you do."
"It's no TALES FROM THE CRYPT: DEMON KNIGHT, is what I mean."
–"What could be?"
"Basically, it's a family-friendly swashbuckling superhero flick with a sense of fun and grand adventure.  It's a product of that four or five year span when Hollywood kept making pulpy and/or Art Deco-ish vintage comic book movies that the public didn't really want.  Stuff like DICK TRACY, THE ROCKETEER, THE SHADOW, and the like."
–"I love THE ROCKETEER."
"So do I.  I'm just saying it wasn't a super-tenable business model."
–"So what is THE PHANTOM?"
"He's a 1930s comic book hero who's become one of the best-selling and longest-running characters of all time. He's been the subject of serials, TV shows, video games and the like.

He's basically Indiana Jones combined with the Lone Ranger and DANGER: DIABOLIK.  And that ranks pretty high in my book."
–"I like Indiana Jones."
"Well, good, cause this thing is packed with Indy references, in no small part due to the participation of Jeffrey Boam (co-writer of LAST CRUSADE) and Vic Armstrong (stunt coordinator and Indy double for the entire trilogy).  There are fedoras; rope bridge scenes;

 Though this is a little more SORCERER than TEMPLE OF DOOM.

missing artifacts with magical, face-exploding powers; there's scenes where a talisman points the way on a map with a colored laser:

 From RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK.

 
 From THE PHANTOM.

similar locales and production design:
 
 From RAIDERS.


From PHANTOM.

and there's even an extended truck chase scene that features some of the exact, blow-by-blow choreography from the classic one in RAIDERS:



And one moment, with floating CGI skulls:
 
 almost prefigures the finale of an Indiana Jones movie that shall remain nameless."
–"Wow.
"Yeah."
–"I remember a way's back, you were trying to make the case that Billy Zane's eyes and eyebrows were the true stars of TITANIC.  How are they here?"
"Well, it's like how in CYBORG, we meet Van Damme's isolated leg before we even meet Van Damme.  Adhering to that logic, we naturally get an extreme closeup of Zane's gaze before we see the rest of him."

–"I think he can see into my soul!"
"Yeah, he can.  Also, speaking of TITANIC, there's a scene here where The Phantom pops up in a ladies' locker room on a boat– and promptly apologizes to the damsels."


–"Billy Zane being chivalrous on a boat... now I've seen everything!"
"Exactly.  He's a very polite superhero, not unlike, as I said, The Lone Ranger, Superman, or perhaps Adam West's take on Batman.  Here he is, taking a moment out of an action sequence to pick up and return an old lady's purse."

–"Very nice."
"Also, he gives Kristy Swanson some black pearls in a scene eerily reminiscent of when he gave Kate Winslet 'The Heart of the Ocean' in TITANIC."

–"Kristy Swanson!  I had quite the crush on her, back when I first saw DEADLY FRIEND."
"Yeah, well now you can relive that torrid affaire de coeur all over again."
–"So wait, exactly what the hell is going on here?"
"It's a bit of a hodgepodge.  There's evil international corporations, vast pirate conspiracies, magical skulls, tribal sorcery, gunplay, horseplay, swordplay, wordplay, spandex-play..."
–"Who else is in this thing?"
"Our big villain is Treat Williams, who knows exactly what movie he's in, and he's knockin' it out of the park.  A typical scene might see him greedily clasping a magic skull and moaning, 'Ohhhhh, baby!'

Conversely, his top henchman, played by James Remar, is so used to playing it straight, he's struggling with the tone a little bit.  He plays it sort of like 'Indiana Jones gone to the dark side,' but it feels occasionally awkward.  Somehow this works in the film's favor."

–"You mean like that scene in TEMPLE OF DOOM when Harrison Ford drinks the Blood of Kali and acts like he's kicking heroin?"
"Let's forget about that for a minute.  He also gets to rock out some 'Gestapo chic' when he's fighting The Phantom in the city.  Plus, his counterpart is a villainous henchwoman played by Catherine Zeta-Jones, hereafter to be referred to as 'CZJ.'  This movie might be CZJ's finest hour."
 
–"Can we not do that?  The CZJ thing?'
"Ohhh, okay.  Anyway, she's out of control and cartoonish, like a secondary villain from CARMEN SANDIEGO.  If she had a mustache, she'd be twirling it.  The beauty of her performance can be distilled in a twenty-seven second video I have entitled 'Kristy Swanson and Catherine Zeta-Jones' Finest Slap Battles.'"

–"Intense!"
"I'll say.  Finally, there's a nice tertiary villain bit by David Proval, a notorious 'gangster-character-actor' whose performances often genuinely scare me."

–"That's all well and good, but it seems to me you're giving Billy Zane the short shrift here.  Is he not Ama-Zane-ing?"
"Oh, the Zane Factor is pretty high.  It's hard to believe this was nearly a Joel Schumacher movie starring Dolph Lundgren–"
–"WHAAAAT?!"
"Yeah, at least he got to make THE PHANTOM... OF THE OPERA, eventually.  Hell, and before that, directors from Joe Dante to Sergio Leone have wanted to take a crack at The Phantom."
–"You're blowing my mind.  Who would have been Leone's Phantom?"
"I could see Eastwood, Coburn, or Bronson, frankly.  But back to Zane.  Yes, he's ama-Zane-ing, or whatever, it's just that the role isn't one of his flashiest.  Don't despair, though, there are some fine moments.  For instance, off the top of my head:

BILLY ZANE WILL LEAP OFF A HORSE AND


ONTO THE HOOD OF A TRUCK, BUT JAMES REMAR WON'T NOTICE FOR HALF A SECOND


...AND THEN HE WILL NOTICE



BILLY ZANE WILL LOUNGE AROUND, HALF-NUDE, TALKING TO HIS DEAD DAD (WHO IS PATRICK MCGOOHAN)



BILLY ZANE WILL PET THE TIGER


(WHO, INCIDENTALLY, WAS PROVIDED BY ANIMALS R US)



BILLY ZANE WILL HITCH A RIDE ON THE UNDERBELLY OF A PLANE, LIKE HE'S ROBERT DE NIRO IN CAPE FEAR



 BILLY ZANE'S THIGHS WILL COME OUT OF NOWHERE


AND STRANGLE YOU


TILL YOU PASS OUT

–"Holy cow!"
"Yup.  Naturally, all of this leads up to a final confrontation where Zane and Williams face off while wielding magical lasers; Williams' emanate from the purloined skull, and Zane's shoot forth from his wicked skull ring.  Consequently, it sorta feels like the end of SPACEBALLS."




 
 
 –"Now that's a thing of beauty."
"It sure is."
–"Oh, by the way– is there smoking in the skull cave?"


"Don't say that too loudly:  Billy Zane's thighs are apt to pop out of nowhere and strangle you unto unconsciousness.  In other words:  no smoking in the skull cave."

–Sean Gill


EDIT:  I just discovered the existence of the following vintage "Got Milk?" ad, and I must include it, without comment, for the sake of future generations.


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THE EVERLASTING VINTAGE and GIRLS BEFORE SWINE at the Lower East Side Festival of the Arts

May 21, 2014, 11:31 am
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Film Review: A VIEW TO A KILL (1985, John Glen)

May 26, 2014, 7:25 am
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Stars:  5 of 5.
Running Time: 131 minutes.
Tag-line: "Has James Bond finally met his match?  Find out this summer."
Notable Cast or Crew:  Grace Jones (VAMP, CONAN THE DESTROYER), Christopher Walken (THE DEER HUNTER, MOUSEHUNT), Roger Moore (THE QUEST), Tanya Roberts THE BEASTMASTER, SHEENA), David Yip (Wu Han from INDIANA JONES AND THE TEMPLE OF DOOM), Alison Doody (Elsa from INDIANA JONES AND THE LAST CRUSADE), Desmond Llewelyn ('Q' from FROM RUSSIA WITH LOVE through THE WORLD IS NOT ENOUGH), Lois Maxwell ('Moneypenny' from DR. NO through A VIEW TO A KILL), Patrick Macnee (THE AVENGERS, WAXWORK), Patrick Bauchau (PHENOMENA, THE RAPTURE), and Dolph Lundgren (ROCKY IV, MASTERS OF THE UNIVERSE).  Cinematography by Alan Hume (RETURN OF THE JEDI, A FISH CALLED WANDA). Music by John Barry and Duran Duran. 
Best One-liner:  "Wow!  What a view." –"TO A KILL!"

I'm going to begin with a quote by Roger Moore:

"I was horrified on the last Bond I did. Whole slews of sequences where Christopher Walken was machine-gunning hundreds of people. I said, 'That wasn't Bond, those weren't Bond films.' It stopped being what they were all about. You didn't dwell on the blood and the brains spewing all over the place."
What do you have to say for yourself, Mr. Walken?  Have you besmirched the legacy of Bond by rewriting the punctuation in your lines and machine-gunning hundreds of innocents?

Walken weighs in:
"In the Bond movie I had my hair dyed an impossible yellow color, and that became my motivation in a lot of scenes: I had a secret subtext, which I never discussed with anybody. Every time I had a scene with somebody I’d be thinking: What do you think of my hair? Do you like my hair? Do you like what they did to me? That they made me look like this? So next time you see the movie, every time I torture somebody I’m really thinking, You see what they did to me with this hair?"

It would seem from those quotes that A VIEW TO A KILL took Bond in a new direction, truly a Bond for the 80s; a Bond that came out the same year as COMMANDO and ROCKY IV and DEATH WISH 3; a Bond for a Cold War edging its way toward a natural conclusion (whether that means a "hot" war or Glasnost); a Bond for the Reagan-consumerist era; a Bond for the Computer Age; a Bond for the hair salon; a Bond that's not afraid to live dangerously; a Bond that's not afraid to–
DANCE!
 
INTO THE FIIIIYAHH
THAT FATAL KISS 
ISSS ALL WE NEED

DANCE INTO THE FIIIIYAHH
TO FATAL SOUNDS OF BROKEN DREAMS

DANCE!
INTO THE FIIIIYAHH 
 
 
And just like that, James Bond's silhouette shoots a leftover laser from MOONRAKER at a black-light day-glo body-painted skiing-gal who happens to be on fire, and said laser transforms her into an ice sculpture.  All of this is accompanied by the best of all the James Bond themes, Duran Duran's "A View to a Kill."  This is the only Bond film that could ever be confused with Lorenzo Lamas'BODY ROCK, and that's the highest praise I can give anything.

Here are five reasons why A VIEW TO A KILL joins MOONRAKER and DIAMONDS ARE FOREVER in the holy trifecta of Bond movies that perfect the art of big-budget absurdity:


#1.  The Grace.  As villain/quasi-Bond girl and Chris Walken-squeeze "May Day," Grace Jones takes what could have been a throwaway role and makes it subversive, beautiful, insane, and transcendent.
Here she is, dressed in 'Cardinal Chic' with a New Wave miter, I guess?

Shes a badass, she's a singer, she's a fashionista, she's the scariest vampire of the 1980s, and according to her own drunken rant, she's the "Queen Bitch Jungle Mother of New York."  And no one will ever dispute that.  Hell, if I was Mayor, I'd make it official.  I'd build her a statue on Liberty Island.
Pictured:  an artist's rendering of said statue.

It's a pity that she hasn't starred in more movies (though we still have this, VAMP, CONAN THE DESTROYER, and STRAIGHT TO HELL, among others).  However, I must point out, having seen her live in glorious concert in Fall of 2012, that she looks exactly the same at age 64 as she did in the 1980s.  At the risk of offering too much information, yes, this means she can rock out a thong (which she did) and receive a senior discount at the same time.  So, Hollywood: it is your duty to cast her in every action movie from now on (or at least THE EXPENDABLES 4?).

At any rate, she's on, to quote Duran Duran, "FIIIIYAHH": 
WATCH!  Grace Jones force-eject some poor sap from a zeppelin with extreme prejudice!
AIEEEEE!

SEE!  Grace Jones evolve hairstyles and make more costume changes than at one of her concerts (once per song, by my reckoning).

GAZE UPON! Grace Jones clawing and fighting her way through an assortment of action scenarios, relentless as a Terminator, and then some!

BEHOLD!  Grace Jones base-jumping off the Eiffel Tower as some perturbed guy tries to chase her:
Who is that guy, anyway?  I've already forgotten.  Isn't this film part of a larger series?


#2.  The Dolph.  Grace Jones' then-bodyguard/boyfriend Dolph Lundgren happened to be on set when the role of a "KGB henchman" needed to be filled, and the rest is film history.

Here is a picture of Grace Jones and Dolph Lundgren, in case you've forgotten what they look like:
Again, just imagine this, 900 feet tall and where the Statue of Liberty used to be.  It'd be like the Colossus of Rhodes meets the ISLAND LIFE album cover.

(By now, you've probably figured out that Grace Jones will slink her way into as many entries on this list as possible.)  So the scene is this:  the KGB comes after Christopher Walken for reasons that don't really matter, and he sics Grace Jones on their caviar-eatin', vodka-swiggin' asses:
 She promptly free-lifts (did I mention that she has super-strength?) one of the KGB,
prompting a young agent who doesn't get any lines (Dolph) to briefly leap into action, drawing his gun.
This isn't quite a Mexican standoff.  I'm actually not sure what to call this. 

Walken gives her the ole' pursed-lip head-nod
and Grace flings the guy to his well-deserved humiliation.  Dolph blankly checks on him and gives Grace a look of respect and abject fear.  It is difficult to determine whether or not he is "acting" in this moment.
Even Ivan Drago cowers in the presence of Grace Jones.

#3.  The Walken.  It's already been said, but I can't emphasize enough that Walken's acting motivation is whether or not the other characters in the scene like his hair.  
 
 Walken gets needy when his hair is ignored.

That alone could be enough to make him the most ludicrous Bond villain, but then you stick him in a scene with Grace Jones, and it's like mixin' bleach and ammonia– they're edgy, they're volatile, and if you have inadequate ventilation, they could induce a fainting spell.

Take this scene for instance, where Grace and Walken are practicing aerobo-judo-jazzercise or whatever
and Grace is revealing that she has the best crazyfaces since Jean-Claude and Bolo hit the mat.  After a takedown, the pin quickly takes on a sexual connotation and the two bark and growl and bite at one another
for what seems
an inordinate amount
of time.  

The fact that this was allowed in a Bond movie is simply wonderful.  It's like performance art, like they were having a joke on mainstream movie audiences; an outré, private joke.  

I wish that there was a freeze frame that could perfectly encapsulate this sentiment.  Wait, there is!
Eat yer hearts out, Bond fans!


#4.  The Robot.  There's a subplot where 'Q' (Desmond Llewelyn) is fucking around with a comical robot creation who is the median point between SICO in ROCKY IV and Johnny Number Five in SHORT CIRCUIT. 

The film ends with Q fondly using the robot to spy on Bond's sex life,
a voyeuristic episode that ends prematurely with a well-flung towel.
The fact that Q is a massive creeper is casually brushed aside because the robot is pretty fucking adorable.  I approve of all of this.


#5.  The Music Video.  Technically this isn't part of the canon, but I couldn't resist checking out Duran Duran's tie-in music video for "A View to a Kill."  The premise is that the members of Duran Duran are wandering around the Eiffel Tower, doing "spy" things, like Simon Le Bon operating a secret remote control hidden inside a walkman
 and Nick Rhodes taking high-fashion photographs.
It bears mentioning that all of this is basically a backdrop for some amazing blue-screen cut-out images of flying videocassette cameras that zoom to and fro like 2-D drones, with no sense of depth or perspective:
It's jaw-droppingly terrible, and by terrible, I mean "great."  I have no idea how one would even come up with such a concept, much less actually try to visualize it.
It ends with the brilliant one liner, "Bon.  Simon Le Bon." 
Then an explosion is set off on the tower and all of Duran Duran are apparently caught up in the blast.  We cut to a wide shot of an Eiffel postcard exploding, and not the actual Eiffel Tower.  
 
I suspect this was done so not as to offend some French tourism bureau, but it thus implies that the entirety of the music video took place on the surface of a postcard of the Eiffel Tower (thus vindicating the terrible 2D camcorder graphics?), which is the kind of logic that simply doesn't exist outside of a classic music video.
 
And hell, what's once more for good measure:

Five stars.

–Sean Gill
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Only now does it occur to me... WHO'S THAT GIRL

May 29, 2014, 9:01 am
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Only now does it occur to me...  Who is that girl?  Who is she really?

Whew.  Okay.  A couple of things.
I hope you like unmitigated Madonna-prancing!

First off, this is an 80s screwball comedy presumably greenlit because of the success of DESPERATELY SEEKING SUSAN, and yet whoever was doing the greenlighting neglected to realize that Madonna was nearly mute and not actually the star of that film, which is regrettably not the case in WHO'S THAT GIRL.  

But this movie isn't all that Bad with a capital-B; it suffers mostly from a failure in tone– it's basically the fusion of SOMETHING WILD and BRINGING UP BABY (yes, there are jungle cats) with Madonna taking on the Katherine Hepburn/Melanie Griffith roles and Griffin Dunne taking on the Cary Grant/Jeff Daniels bits.  Madonna's character is pure id, manic-pixie-dream-Ciccone, and the major gag I guess is that she's a bad driver (!?).  Though I do appreciate the Material Girl living up to her name by patronizing McDonald's, wolfing down half of her Chicken McNuggets, and feeding the rest to an endangered species.
And did I mention that this is directed by James Foley, who did the GLENGARRY GLEN ROSS movie?

Anyway, there were a few brief things of note:

#1.  NYC in 1987.
I always appreciate these authentically sleazy street scenes; so ubiquitous in the 80s, and so rare today.  Thanks, Giuliani!


#2.  Obligatory gun salesman scene.
It seemed like for a while in the 70s and 80s, there was a scene in almost every film– comedy, action, drama, suspense, thriller, you name it– that took place in a seedy motel where a shady dude was selling weaponry.  Here, it's Sean Sullivan (CLASS OF 1999, WAYNE'S WORLD), who's a quite passable as a poor man's Brad Dourif.  Bravo.


#3.  REDRUM
While driving through the aforementioned unsavory neighborhood, Griffin Dunne's luxury car is graffitied over by the locals.  Particularly of note is "REDRUM" in pink and silver on the rear quarter panel, in a direct and head-scratching reference to THE SHINING.  My best guess is that it was the work of a bored production assistant.

#4.  Candles and champagne.
Candles and champagne?  Hmm.  What is it about Madonna and candles and champagne? This is triggering something... it's triggering something traumatic and long-buried...  I'm getting flashes...images...words.  "Body." "Evidence." I'm seeing Willem Dafoe's nipples covered in champagne and candle wax and sweet God no, NOOOO–
Stop, Madonna, no more, NO MORE!  AIEEEEEE!

–and then suddenly, we're back to reality, I'm no longer having a BODY OF EVIDENCE acid flashback, I'm just watching Madonna in a PG-rated screwball comedy, and it's just a couple of good folks enjoying some nice champagne with some lovely candles in the background, and I'm having a pleasant time, it's quite delightful in fact, and just a pleasant and delightful time, don't you think?
The final verdict:  better than BODY OF EVIDENCE, but not nearly as good as... gee, I don't know...  DISORDERLIES?
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Only now does it occur to me... DEADLY BLESSING

June 2, 2014, 7:22 am
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Only now does it occur to me... that I would ever see Ernest Borgnine play a crazy-eyed, terrifying Amish preacher in a Wes Craven religious-slasher flick.

Er, scratch that, he's not Amish– he's a "Hittite."  Now nobody can be offended, apparently.  As Sharon Stone's character says, "The Hittites make the Amish look like swingers."  What, WHUTTT?!– did I just say "Sharon Stone?"

Yup, here she is, in one of her very first film roles, pictured below as a real, defanged spider crawls up her neck.



This would seem to nullify Menahem Golan's claim that she was discovered entirely by Cannon Films.

We also have the distinctive Michael Berryman (THE HILLS HAVE EYES, ONE FLEW OVER THE CUCKOO'S NEST, WEIRD SCIENCE)
 
as a red herring, a role he would later fulfill again in the similarly-themed religious slasher episode of the X-FILES, "Revelations."

Anyway, DEADLY BLESSING is definitely second or third-tier Craven, though it contains much memorable and spooky imagery (including freaky use of snakes and spiders)
 
 and feels in many ways like a trial run for A NIGHTMARE ON ELM STREET, with its distinguishing Craven camera-angles:

and its surreal forays into the dreamscape
 
 
which tell me that, conscious or not, the germ of the idea that was Freddy Krueger began to really flesh itself out for the first time on set of DEADLY BLESSING.
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Film Review: STAR TREK VI: THE UNDISCOVERED COUNTRY (1991, Nicholas Meyer)

June 6, 2014, 2:12 pm
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Stars: 4 of 5.
Running Time: 113 minutes.
Tag-line: "The battle for peace has begun."
Notable Cast or Crew: William Shatner, DeForest Kelley, James Doohan, George Takei, Nichelle Nichols, Walter Koenig, David Warner (TITANIC, TRON, TIME BANDITS), Kim Cattrall (BIG TROUBLE IN LITTLE CHINA, POLICE ACADEMY), Mark Lenard (STAR TREK III, STAR TREK IV), Grace Lee Whitney ("Janice" from the original STAR TREK series), Brock Peters (TO KILL A MOCKINGBIRD, SOYLENT GREEN), Kurtwood Smith (THAT '70S SHOW, ROBOCOP), Christopher Plummer (THE SOUND OF MUSIC, STARCRASH), Christian Slater (KUFFS, TRUE ROMANCE), Iman (David Bowie's wife, HOUSE PARTY 2), Rene Auberjonois (MY BEST FRIEND IS A VAMPIRE, EYES OF LAURA MARS).
Best One-liner:  "To be... OR NOT TO BE!"

STAR TREK VI is the only film in the series that I saw on the big screen, and I hadn't yet seen it again in the intervening twenty-three years... until now. And it's good!  It's very good.  It's more of a murder mystery/political thriller than a sci-fi film, and timely, too (for 1991), given that its about the ensuing mistrust between two (Cold) warring cultures as they draw back the Iron Curtain and see what happens.

I remember thinking the movie was pretty solid but had no memory as to why, except for a vague remembrance of Captain Kirk being on an ice planet and kicking an alien in the knees, only to discover he'd kicked it in its (alien) nuts.



Now that's the sort of artistic expression worth remembering!


So here are my Fourteen Favorite Things about STAR TREK VI: THE UNDISCOVERED COUNTRY that I did not fully appreciate as a kid:

#14.  Captain Sulu (George Takei).  He finally got that promotion!

This leads to some great moments where his new ship can team up with the Enterprise and he and Kirk can take turns screaming "Fire!" as they zap the bad guys with space lasers.  Unfortunately, they're on different ships, though, so they can't high-five afterward.

#13.  Janice is back!

Janice Rand (Grace Lee Whitney)– star of many TREK episodes from the original series, best known for her occasional near-romances with Kirk and her bitchin' beehive hairdo– shows up on Sulu's crew.  It's been a while, Janice, good to see ya!  Who else do they have room for on that zany crew?

#12.  ...Yes, who do they have whose job it is to wake up Sulu in the middle of the night and give him somewhat unnecessary status reports?  Who could it be...?

 Why, Christian Slater, of course!
 
 Slater, veiled in shadow, in a failed attempt to diminish The Slater Factor.

This, naturally, has nothing to do with the fact that the casting director was his mother, and everything to do with his claim that his Jack Nicholson-style arched eyebrows were the ill-fated result of shaving them to be Spock for Halloween once.

 #11.  Legendary character actor Kurtwood Smith as the "President of the Federation"

complete with wicked Fu Manchu mustache and Wild West sunglasses.  Wait, WHAT?!

#10.  The return of David Warner.  Here, he plays the actual Klingon ambassador, instead of a human associate of the Klingon ambassador, like in Part V.  Weird.
 
But I can always use some Warner, especially when his acting talents are put to use, lending pathos to a leader of a belligerent race of aliens.  Also, that is an incredible jacket you've got on there, David.  Who got to keep that thing when filming wrapped?  Somewhere, is David Warner at home, lounging in that jacket, listening to– I don't know– an Iron Maiden album?  Inquiring minds want to know.
 
Anyway, he gives a great toast with Romulan Ale (not to be confused with blue Kool-Aid) where he quotes Shakespeare ("...the undiscover'd country") and then insists that "You haven't experienced Shakespeare until you have read it in the original Klingon," a humorous line that prompted a thousand nerds to pull out their Klingon-English dictionaries and almost causes a Shatner spit-take.
 
Nobody claims false ownership of the Bard on the Shat's watch!

#9.  Spock's rockin' bachelor pad.

Sure, he doesn't really put it to use, but this is truly a Spock for the 90s, lounging around in a luxurious robe and surrounded by altogether too many candles and silken sheets.  (I'm sure it serves some Vulcan meditative purpose.)  All we need is some sexy saxophone and a 90s babe, like Demi Moore or Madonna or Sharon Stone or Kim Cattrall...

#8. Kim Cattrall?

Well-played, STAR TREK VI.  I like what you've done there, with the Spock-ears and the haircut and the futuristic headband.  And all nerdery aside, she does a pretty good job!

#7.  Poor McCoy (DeForest Kelley).  He gets put through a lot in this movie.  All he ever wanted was a drink.  And not just blue Kool-Aid.

I go back and forth on my favorite STAR TREK characters, but I think the good Doctor might be my favorite, with his curious blend of indefatigable humanism and curmudgeonly fatalism.  Age has only made him more of a badass– and more of a terrific crab. 

#6.  The hilarious globules of purple CGI Klingon blood as the delegation is murdered by the guys from Daft Punk.


This shoulda been in 3-D!

#5.  Sherlock Holmes.

STAR TREK VI being a bit of a murder mystery, the game is soon afoot and Spock takes over, putting on his theoretical deerstalker cap– and even insinuating that the original Holmes is a distant ancestor! 

This is the doing of director/writer Nicholas Meyer, Holmes aficionado and author of three Holmes novels (THE SEVEN-PER-CENT SOLUTION, THE WEST END HORROR, and THE CANARY TRAINER), all of which transcend the trappings of fan-fiction, becoming labyrinthine literary pastiches that are genuinely great novels in their own right.  Good show.


#4.  Shapeshiftin', cigar-chompin' Iman!
 
High fashion model, David Bowie missus, and cosmetics tycoon Iman shows up on a Klingon Ice Prison-planet as a cell mate of Doctor McCoy and the good Captain Kirk.  It's not long before the latter works his charms on her:

She always did go for those those Major Tom-types.

Although I wish she'd waited to make out with The Shat till she had transformed into him, as depicted in the following, well-acted screen grabs:


I think a Shat-on-Shat makeout 'sesh would have been more to his (ego's) liking, and it might've really pushed this movie over the edge.  A bit of a missed opportunity, there.


#3.  And seriously, when are they going to put seat belts on the Enterprise?

WHOAAA

One errant laser and everybody's flying around willy-nilly.  The Bureau of Worker's Comp at Federation Headquarters must have their hands full.


#2.  Shakespeare slummer Christopher Plummer!

Spoilers to follow:

The final space battle is a three-way between George Takei, The Shat, and powermad Klingon-in-pursuit-of-an-acting-paycheck, Christopher Plummer.  What follows is the most insane and spectacular use of Shakespeare quotes as one-liners since Vincent Price in HIS KIND OF WOMAN or THEATER OF BLOOD.

 
 
 It's absolutely bananas, and I love it beyond words.  Of course they save the best for last:
 
 "TO BE...

 "...OR NOT..."


"...TO BE?"

FOOOOSH


#1.  Because of course it all ends with a slow clap, like in ROCKY IV.  (I feel like I mention ROCKY IV at least once in every review.)  I believe that the slow clap has become the only way to resolve a movie about Cold Wars or diplomatic détante.

 This is truly the 'It's a Small World' of the Star Trek universe.


The Klingons are clearly half-assing their slow clap.


Conversely, those dudes on the far right are kind of overdoing it.


Who the hell are these guys?  Aliens?  Humans with cargo net mesh draped over their hockey masks?

Don't stop clapping.  Don't ever stop. 


In closing, this is a fine send-off for the original cast, and one of the better films in the series.  Four stars.

–Sean Gill


P.S.– I also see that this is the 1,000th post here at Junta Juleil.  I wish I could've done a Carpy or a Bronson or a Van Damme review, but these things just sneak up on you, I guess.  Thanks to all of my readers who have stuck around!
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Only now does it occur to me... PROJECT X

June 11, 2014, 7:55 am
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Only now does it occur to me...  that even the presence of two legendary character actors known for playing some of the best assholes of the 80s can't save PROJECT X from the inwardly collapsing force of its own Lite Spielberg schmaltzitude.

The first character actor in question is Jonathan Stark, whose turn as Chris Sarandon's bullying sidekick in FRIGHT NIGHT cemented his status as one of the premiere dicks of the 80s.

Here, he's not all that villainous, per sé, but he's got this high-school bully expression plastered on his face at all times,

one that almost insinuates you're playing right into his hands with every word you say; as if the existence of everyone around him is merely an amusing set-up to a punchline he will eventually deliver.

He also gets bonus points for at one point winking and giving the air gun/'chk-chk' of approval to a chimpanzee.


The second is William Sadler (DIE HARD 2, HARD TO KILL, BILL & TED'S BOGUS JOURNEY) who is very disapproving of Matthew Broderick
 
and generally plays the stereotype of the unfeeling 80s scientist who would rather chase a chimp with a cattle prod than let Helen Hunt snuggle it out and teach it sign language.

William Sadler: over it.

And yeah, that's where the main issue is: this movie is not really about 80s bullies or evil scientists, it's more of a (well-intentioned) pro-animal rights fusion of E.T. and TOP GUN, but with little of the kitsch value that would imply.  I didn't hate it, but even these character actor favorites and an opening song called "Shock the Monkey" by Peter Gabriel couldn't penetrate the self-serious attitude.  Perhaps I'd feel differently if I'd seen this as a kid and not waited till 2014?  Still: nice work, Sadler & Stark!
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Only now does it occur to me... CHILDREN OF THE CORN 7: REVELATION

June 13, 2014, 6:59 pm
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Only now does it occur to me...  are we really going to talk about CHILDREN OF THE CORN 7: REVELATION?  Yeah, I guess we are.  But not really.  We're really just going to talk about Michael Ironside for a minute, cause it's been a while.

CHILDREN OF THE CORN 7 is kind of like a really bad X-FILES episode that happens to be missing Mulder and Scully.  There are fleeting moments of unintentional humor (usually involving bad dubbing, CGI cornstalks, or stock horror tracks from a music library that was very much overused in the late 90s), but it's not actually worth your time.  So let's get to Ironside.

Ironside plays a weird n' creepy priest who mostly wanders around around, looking mysterious and underpaid as he glowers silently from afar.
 
 
 A foggy alleyway makes me wish I was watching HIGHLANDER 2.

He basically fills the nonsensical and vaguely menacing shoes occupied by the "Cult of Thorn" from movies four through six in the HALLOWEEN cycle.  I was beginning to wonder if they'd signed Ironside to a cheaper, "no dialogue" contract until he finally spoke a line an hour and two minutes into the film (twenty minutes from the end). 

What do you suppose that line is?  Something poetic?  Something lyrical?  Something worth the wait?

"They're waiting for Dah-dah."

Nice to see you're using Ironside to his full potential, guys.  However, I do appreciate that they've taken his existing scar (from walking through a plate-glass window, drunk, in the late 70s) and accentuated it.

Anyway, he offers our heroine some communion wine (and, indeed, we sure as hell need a drink)

and is then tasked with sort of explaining the plot of the movie, including some references to the first film and the Big Baddie, the corn god "He Who Walks Behind the Rows."

Then he walks out of the movie after a full six minutes of screentime and about fifteen lines of dialogue.  If I had to make an educated guess, I'd say he was on set for one day; maybe eight to twelve hours.  That's not too bad.  I hope craft services at least offered some decent crudités or something.  (Although based on the content and quality, I wouldn't be surprised if it was... canned creamed corn!)
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Film Review: MIDNIGHT RUN (1988, Martin Brest)

June 18, 2014, 7:51 am
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Stars: 5 of 5.
Running Time: 127 minutes.
Tag-line: "Taking the midnight run is a hell of a way to make a living."
Notable Cast or Crew:  Starring Robert De Niro, Charles Grodin (BEETHOVEN, ROSEMARY'S BABY), Yaphet Kotto (ALIEN, BLUE COLLAR, A NIGHTMARE ON ELM STREET 6: FREDDY'S DEAD), John Ashton (BEVERLY HILLS COP, SOME KIND OF WONDERFUL), Dennis Farina (THIEF, MANHUNTER, GET SHORTY), Joe Pantoliano (THE GOONIES, RISKY BUSINESS, BOUND, THE SOPRANOS), Jack Kehoe (THE UNTOUCHABLES, SERPICO), Wendy Phillips (BUGSY, THE WIZARD), Philip Baker Hall (SECRET HONOR, HARD EIGHT), Fran Brill (WHAT ABOUT BOB?, Jim Henson crony and puppeteer and voice of "Prairie Dawn"), Tracey Walter (REPO MAN, BATMAN, SILENCE OF THE LAMBS).  Directed by Martin Brest (BEVERLY HILLS COP, SCENT OF A WOMAN).  Written by George Gallo (WISE GUYS, BAD BOYS).   Music by Danny Elfman (BATMAN RETURNS, EDWARD SCISSORHANDS).  Cinematography by Donald E. Thorin (THIEF, TANGO & CASH).
Best One-liner: "Why are you so unpopular with the Chicago police department?"

Let's talk MIDNIGHT RUN– undoubtedly, it's one of the funniest, most artistic, best-written, and best-acted buddy movies of the 1980s, or perhaps ever.  It was recommended to me for years (and most successfully so by J.D.'s terrific writeup over at Radiator Heaven), and I must say it was well worth the "Very Long Wait" it endured in my Netflix queue.  It's a road trip-buddy movie without clichéd characterizations, and each and every role and setpiece feels lived in.  In a year (1988) where one of the most acclaimed films (RAIN MAN) was a cloying and much less successful riff (in my opinion) on the convention, MIDNIGHT RUN has become a kind of sleeper classic, and one that I believe truly stands the test of time.

The plot is simple, but there's a lot of moving parts– consequently, even before we get to the characterizations it's a little more complex than the usual potboiler:  a sleazy bondsman (Joe Pantoliano) unwittingly posts bail for an accountant (Charles Grodin) who has embezzled $15 million from a ferocious mob boss (Dennis Farina).  With mafia assassins after him, Grodin has jumped bail and escaped cross-country, therefore Pantoliano employs a bounty hunter (Robert De Niro) to track him down in the five days he has left before he defaults on the massive bond.  Finding Grodin is only half the battle, however– De Niro must bring him back, alone, and he faces stiff competition from a dirty bounty huntin' rival (John Ashton), a single-minded FBI agent (Yaphet Kotto), the aforementioned mafia assassins,  double-crossin' informants, and even a helicopter.
 
 
 In what is possibly the best De Niro vs. Helicopter scene in all of filmdom. 

Whew.  And there's so many shifting allegiances and players, it's practically Shakespearean.  (Or at least GAME OF THRONES-ian.)  And I must say that it roughly does for bail bonds and bounty hunters what REPO MAN did for that occupation; a seedy and offbeat journey across the American underbelly.  I wish they made more films like this.

At the center of all this scheming and law-bending is the relationship between De Niro and Grodin (which, as J.D. astutely points out in his review, builds an atypical comedic relationship with two 'straight' men, eschewing the funny/zany guy), and boy, is it a doozy. 

We watch them (successfully) get on each other's nerves for nearly two hours, usually by petty and/or absurd means,


 
but something spectacular happens along the way:  it turns into one of the better character studies of the decade.

You expect De Niro, pre-"phoning-it-in era," to be excellent, and he is.  And the way he naturally takes to the comedic role, particularly in his improvisations, is admirable.  At one point, Grodin's character accuses him of having "only two forms of expression: silence and rage."  While this may be true, De Niro gives us each and every color of those respective rainbows– it's like how they say that Eskimos have two hundred different words for snow: De Niro has at least that many ways to express silence and rage!

I must say that this movie transformed my understanding of Charles Grodin.  I suppose I'd become used to thinking of him as "the dad from BEETHOVEN who was in ROSEMARY'S BABY when he was really young," but holy Toledo– the man can ACT!

The choices he makes are spectacular– you know him, and you believe he's real, but you can't fully read him- he's wise, yet high-strung; paranoid, yet zen.  You get the idea that he just might be the smartest guy in the room, but you're unaware of his actual plan; like Michael Emerson's character on LOST but with an air of benevolence instead of menace.  He's always working an angle, and you can see it playing across his face, especially when nobody's looking.

His general demeanor is "disappointed" and nearly uninvolved, but make no mistake, he's heavily invested.  In who or what, I shall not say.

Then there are all these beautiful, understated moments of pathos and verisimilitude that pepper their journey.  De Niro has fleeting reunion with his ex-wife and daughter, and as it happens, we're really witnessing two scenes:  the foreground with De Niro and his daughter, and the background with Grodin and the ex-wife (Wendy Phillips). 

A lot of actors would have stood around while the main action played out, but not in this movie!  The word of the day is "subtlety."  Enrichment without pulling focus.

Shortly thereafter, there's a peculiar, tender moment as De Niro leads Grodin back to the car.  You could say it is a prisoner being led by his captor; you could say it's two opposing forces about to be confined in a single space; you could say it's two human beings compelled into an uncomfortable position because of pressures beyond their control.  No matter what you say, there's a sad dignity in the following, oddly paternal gesture whereupon De Niro repositions Grodin's overcoat so it doesn't get caught in the car door.



And that is the film in a nutshell.  Many movies are simply a collection of scenes, and the makers are interested in getting from point A to B to C.  If a journey by car is required to get from A to B, they'll put on their workgloves and hammer out a segue.  It risks becoming a chore, a time-filler, a necessary evil.  Here, that's not so.  MIDNIGHT RUN breathes life from every pore, it's teeming with an authenticity that cannot be contained.  Slamming a car door becomes an opportunity for character development, enlightenment, truth– not simply an audiovisual cue that we're about to move from one location to another.  This is just one example out of dozens: I can already tell you that this film will reward multiple viewings.

Now, I don't want to give too much away– especially because, as the film progressed, I found myself legitimately not knowing how it was going to end.  Do you realize how rare that is in an 80's buddy/action/crime/comedy?  Such a thing must be savored!


In closing, here are ten bits of my beloved minutiae that I must mention in order to properly sing MIDNIGHT RUN's praises:


#1. Yaphet Kotto.  Hell yes, Yaphet Kotto.  Master of the slow burn.


I've never not loved a scene that starred Yaphet Kotto, from LIVE AND LET DIE to ALIEN to THE RUNNING MAN to A NIGHTMARE ON ELM STREET 6: FREDDY'S DEAD.  His big, watery eyes are slow-cookin' with gentlemanly rage. 

He plays it so deadpan, I suppose you could make the argument that he's the true straight man of the piece.  Carry on, Yaphet.

#2.  Danny Elfman's score.  It is the least-Danny Elfmanish Danny Elfman score ever.  It's like honkytonk Ry Cooder meets a Huey Lewis and the News karaoke track.  It's beautiful and terrible both, and it's still stuck in my head.

#3.  Joey Pants.  Mr. Pantoliano himself.

His stash of money in his pink socks, his terrible late 80s patterned shirts, his shit-eating grins, his sweaty combovers, his ratlike countenance– has anyone ever been better suited to play a bailbondsman?  Perhaps not.

#4.  Apparently the studio wanted George Gallo to rewrite the screenplay to accommodate Cher in the Charles Grodin role.  When that didn't work, they were pulling for Robin Williams.  Obviously, given the perfection of Grodin's performance, in either case it would have been a real movie killer.  I just physically shivered.  I don't even want to think about this.

#5.  Philip Baker Hall (SECRET HONOR, BOOGIE NIGHTS, DOGVILLE) as a Las Vegas mob associate named "Sydney."

Fans of P.T. Anderson's HARD EIGHT (aka SYDNEY) will note that he plays a washed-up Las Vegas gambler also named Sydney in that particular film.  I realize that the continuity isn't perfect by any means, but seems like a little more than a coincidence.  I'm just going to pretend it's an official sequel, and don't try to stop me.

#6.  Cult maniac Tracey Walter (REPO MAN, THE SILENCE OF THE LAMBS, CONAN THE DESTROYER, BATMAN '90, RUMBLE FISH, THE HAND) as the proprietor of a greasy spoon diner.

That is his natural habitat, and all is right in the world.

#7.  The "litmus configuration" scene (I will say no more of the specifics) is a mini-masterpiece of actors playing characters who in turn are "acting."  Every element of the scene: the improv, the near crack-ups, the locale, the bystanders– it's perfection. 


I think it even quietly transcends the classic "I hate rednecks" bar scene from 48 HRS., another classic buddy movie moment similarly founded on some harmless flim-flammin'.

#8.  John Ashton.  As an endearingly diabolical rival bounty hunter, John Ashton officially won me over with this movie.  I'd probably seen him in half a dozen other roles (including BEVERLY HILLS COP, BREAKING AWAY, BORDERLINE, and SOME KIND OF WONDERFUL)

but only here did I see his acting chops on full display.  You love to hate him, and he never lets up– though he's imbued with a few streaks of pathos that wouldn't usually be afforded to such a character.

#9.  Dennis Farina.  I suppose this movie is ostensibly a comedy, thought I hope I've adequately made the argument that that's not entirely the case.  That fact is never more clear than when we get to sit down and meet Dennis Farina's mobster, up close.  He starts tossing around death threats

and for a moment the movie turns legitimately scary.  I applaud this.

#10.  Another cross-country fugitive road trip movie, NORTH BY NORTHWEST, gets a nice nod when Robert De Niro chases a crop duster– instead of the other way around.


I was speechless when I witnessed that moment, and speechless I shall remain.  
But before I go, let me say:  Five stars... and bravo!

–Sean Gill
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Only now does it occur to me... SHAKE, RATTLE, AND ROCK!

June 23, 2014, 9:10 am
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Only now does it occur to me...  that I'd ever get to see Mary Woronov try the very concept of Rock N' Roll in a kangaroo courtroom... and win!
Mary just wants to take away your rockin' tunes

And from whom does she want to take those rockin' tunes, you ask?  Try a spazzified-solo dancing Renée Zellweger,
a "too cool for school" Howie Mandel (er, maybe make that "cool enough to actually be at school, if he was still of schooling age" Howie Mandel),
and 90s R&B outfit "For Real" (playing an up-and-coming girl band).

This quasi-prequel to the 70s cult classic ROCK N' ROLL HIGH SCHOOL (steeped heavily in the influence of John Waters' HAIRSPRAY) tells the origin story of Woronov's fuddy-duddy 'Evelyn Togar' and was featured in the "90s does the 50s" series of TV movie sentitled REBEL HIGHWAY (which I more adequately describe here).

Everybody's quite likable, and like a lot of Arkush's output (GET CRAZY, HEARTBEEPS, CADDYSHACK II), it exudes a sense of fun even if it is fairly blockheaded most of the time (it doesn't really matter, though).  

Also of interest, Dick Miller (legendary character actor and Joe Dante/Roger Corman crony) reprises his role from ROCK N' ROLL HIGH SCHOOL as a gruff but sympathetic cop
I swear, Dick Miller is in everything.

and P.J. Soles (the incomparably cheerful star of ROCK N' ROLL HIGH SCHOOL, CARRIE, and HALLOWEEN ) shows up as a mahjong-cheater and concerned mother from Mary Woronov's friend circle.
P.J. Soles: excited to be here.  Also, missing her hat.

Continuing on with the Rock N' Roll street cred is Gerrit Graham, who notably played "Beef" in Brian de Palma's glam-rock-horror-musical spectacular PHANTOM OF THE PARADISE.
Here he plays a nerdy television producer who's all-too-susceptible to the phoned-in complaints of uptight parents.

And I must repeat for those who may not know– the aforementioned Mary Woronov is one of the greatest cult actresses of all time, and a wayward muse for figures as disparate as Andy Warhol and Roger Corman, not to mention the best bud and screen partner of Paul Bartel (together they became the demented 70s and 80s' equivalent of Tracey and Hepburn).
She has a tremendous amount of fun here, banning books in the school library like CATCHER IN THE RYE, INVISIBLE MAN, and THE NAKED AND THE DEAD, and being an all-around stick-in-the-mud– obviously the complete opposite of her natural character.
Speaking of books, I must take a moment to plug hers, because I don't believe I've yet done so:  it's called SWIMMING UNDERGROUND, and it outlines her life experiences upon entering the New York/Warhol scene in the 60s and the many hilarious/terrifying/absurd tales therein.  I highly recommend it, along with her greatest filmic hits, like EATING RAOUL and DEATH RACE 2000.

In closing, this movie's certainly not the best in the world, but if you're at all invested in ROCK N' ROLL HIGH SCHOOL, the REBEL HIGHWAY series, or simply the abundant use of cult and character actors, you'll find a lot to like here.
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Only now does it occur to me... A BLADE IN THE DARK

June 30, 2014, 11:20 am
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Only now does it occur to me... it's not a spider, it's a cockroach!
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Only now does it occur to me... DEATH WISH 4: THE CRACKDOWN

July 6, 2014, 2:31 pm
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I reviewed DEATH WISH 4: THE CRACKDOWN a while back, but upon rewatching it this Fourth of July, I noticed something new:
  
Only now does it occur to me... that Bronson meets the venerable John P. Ryan at a movie theater that only plays Cannon Films:  namely Zefirelli's OTELLO and Konchalovsky's RUNAWAY TRAIN:
I'm guessing he went for the senior discount.

Now, apparently John P. Ryan's character picked the movie within the context of DEATH WISH 4, so it's interesting that he went for OTELLO instead of RUNAWAY TRAIN, which co-stars: John P. Ryan. 
Anyway, Bronson walks in, mid-way through OTELLO and in a bold move on Cannon's part, the theater is shown to be half-empty:
Bronson sits down next to John P. Ryan and they take in OTELLO for a few moments before proceeding with their secret vigilante meeting.
 They look severely underwhelmed by the picture.  In fact, they remind me of two other old men I know...two old men who spend a lot of time hanging out in theaters and being grumpy...
There we go.  Thanks, DEATH WISH 4!
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Film Review: COLLISION COURSE (1989, Lewis Teague)

July 11, 2014, 7:12 am
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Stars: 4 of 5.
Running Time: 100 minutes.
Tag-line: "Not So Much A Lethal Weapon, More Of A Liability!"
Notable Cast or Crew: Pat Morita (THE KARATE KID, BLOODSPORT 2), Jay Leno (SILVER BEARS, AMERICAN HOT WAX, THE TONIGHT SHOW), Chris Sarandon (THE PRINCESS BRIDE, DOG DAY AFTERNOON, TALES FROM THE CRYPT: BORDELLO OF BLOOD), Tom Noonan (MANHUNTER, THE MONSTER SQUAD), Ernie Hudson (GHOSTBUSTERS, THE CROW), Al Waxman (CLASS OF 1984, MEATBALLS III: SUMMER JOB), Dennis Holahan (HALLOWEEN II, KUFFS), Soon-Tek Oh (DEATH WISH IV: THE CRACKDOWN, MISSING IN ACTION 2: THE BEGINNING), Randall "Tex" Cobb (RAISING ARIZONA, BLIND FURY), Richard Gant (ROCKY V, "Hostetler" on DEADWOOD).  Music by Ira Newborn (FERRIS BUELLER'S DAY OFF, SIXTEEN CANDLES, WISE GUYS).  Directed by Lewis Teague (CAT'S EYE, CUJO).
Best One-liner: "Hey, hey, we're the Monkees!"

In a familiar, darkened alley, two Thunderbird-swilling cineastes make small-talk:

–"I'm bored.  Whatcha got for me?"
"Here's a philosophical question.  What's better than watching a train wreck?"
–"I don't know.  Is that a trick question?"
"What about the moment of anticipation, right before the train wreck?"
–"Okay..."
"When the train is on course to collide with something.  A "COLLISION COURSE," if you will."
–"Where are you going with this?"

"Alright.  What I got here, is a big, dumb, character actor-heavy buddy cop movie in the tradition of such classics as RUNNING SCARED, V.I. WARSHAWSKI, and FATAL BEAUTY.  It stars Jay Leno and Pat Morita.  Interested?"
–"Keep goin'.  I'm gonna need more than that."
"Well it's kind of a East-meets-West, fish-out-of-water story where Motor City cop Jay Leno  becomes begrudging partners with Pat Morita of Tokyo PD after a Japanese businessman is murdered over the design of a car prototype, which leads to plenty of villains shouting things like 'WHERE IS THE PROTOTYPE?!' and it's also personal, because an old ex-cop buddy of Leno's was murdered by the same prototype-seeking bad guys.  Also, I'd bet you anything Leno agreed to do this based on his unhealthy love of custom cars alone."

–"It sounds mediocre, like a second-tier RED HEAT.  I need to know more."
"What?!  How much more do you need?"
–"I don't know.  If I'm going to watch a movie with Jay Leno in it, I'm probably going to need at least thirteen reasons."

"Alright.  Easy peasy Leno squeezy."
–"Please never say that again."
"Fine.  #1.  How 'bout DEATH WISH 4's Soon-Tek Oh as Morita's no-nonsense boss in Tokyo, who's always coming down hard on him for bein' an action-luvin' hot-dog of a cop?"

–"You're leading with Soon-Tek Oh?  This movie hasn't got a chance."
"When did you become so picky?  And besides, Soon-Tek is the man.  He was on AIRWOLF, THE A-TEAM, he's in MISSING IN ACTION 2: THE BEGINNING...  not to mention GOOD GUYS WEAR BLACK, NIGHT GALLERY, T.J. HOOKER..."
–"Okay, I'm sorry."
"You should be.  Ready for #2?  Here it comes: Chris Sarandon."

–"WHAT?!  But also, I don't really like that 'stache."
"Too bad!  You think he cares?  Sarandon's the big villain of the piece, but he's built a persona of respectability where he hands out giant checks to underprivileged youths."

–"He sounds like a ROBOCOP antagonist."
"That's not too far off the mark.  And that ain't a bad thing, either.  He's sort of phonin' it in, but every once in a while he does something fantastic, like beating a man about the head and neck with a napkin.  That's #3, by the way."




–"I was about to tell you it wasn't fair to use Sarandon for two different slots, but I have to admit that's a thing of beauty."
"Yup."
–"Wait, who is that, off to the right, looking vaguely uneasy about the napkin-beating?  He looks familiar..."
"Ohhhhhh yeah.  #4.  Tom motherluvin' Noonan!

He's here to occupy that 'villain's right-hand-man' spot, like Gary Busey in LETHAL WEAPON or Alexander Godunov in DIE HARD.  And he's playin' it weird."
–"What do you mean?"
"Imagine a kind of three-way cross between his blood-curdling 'Francis Dolarhyde' in MANHUNTER, Mr. Rogers, and an 80s prep school bully."
–"I don't think I can."
"I can show you better than I can tell you.  It's a clip called 'Tom Noonan's Quiet Menace.'"
–"I'm so scared."
"You should be.  Cause, #5, Noonan's got his own rocket launcher, too."

–"That's surely not worth it's own number.  Isn't that a given?"
"Lemme rephrase that:  #5, Noonan's got his own rocket launcher pistol."
–"Okay, you win.  You win everything."
"And feast your eyes on #6:  Leno's partner (before Pat Morita shows up) is none other than ghostbustin' Ernie Hudson."

–"I love Ernie Hudson!"
"Sadly, they don't give him much to do.  He has an action scene and a half before being relegated to 'the friend our hero calls for occasional favors and advice' duty.  It's sad, really, and a waste of Ernie Hudson.  One of the few sins this movie commits."
–"I've always been a GHOSTBUSTERS II man, myself."
"Of course you are.  Now, are you ready for the heavy stuff?  #7.  Social commentary."

–"Huh?"
"Yes sir:  this movie makes an occasionally earnest effort to say... something.  It's rarely sure what that is, exactly.  But it shows the decay of Rust Belt-era Detroit, and says 'that's a shame.'  It says, this city used to be proud of itself. It shows the resentment toward Asians and Asian auto manufacturers in a post-Vincent Chin world, even if it's masked by bad karate and Chop Suey jokes.  It reveals actual racial tensions, then grows uncomfortable with itself and drowns them in zany synth music and one-liners like "I oughta stir fry your face!"  So nobody's going to really draw any greater meaning from this movie, but as a document of 80s Detroit– forsaken by Big Auto and Big Money and thrown to the wolves– it might carry some kind of historical value.  I don't know."
–"You're kind of depressing me, man.  I had a buzz going."
"Ooookay.  Uh, how 'bout #8:  Jay Leno gets the drop on his quarry and delivers the following one-liner:

"Hey, hey, we're the Monkees!"

–"Awful.  And brilliant!"
 "#9.  The cat-and-mouse game between Leno and Morita before they realize they're both actually on the same side.  It involves both Leno hiding behind that "Get Well Soon" standby: a tiny balloon attached to what is essentially a glorified straw.  I suppose the joke is that his enormous chin is ill-concealed by the tiny balloon, which is not quite a joke, really, but I that's the sort of back-asswards comedic sensibility that makes this movie work.

Also, Pat Morita tries to hide himself inside a garment bag which is terrific.  I mean, look at this:
 
 it's a loopy kind of brilliance that simply doesn't exist outside an 80s action-comedy."
 –"I like it.  What next?"
"#10.  The awkward, drawn-out scene where Leno and Morita become true buddies for the first time.  It involves polishing off a box of KFC and an entire bottle of 12 year Chivas Regal and the repeated toast, 'Banzai!'  The pacing is seriously weird, even for a movie as uneven as this one.


Though I suppose we should be happy with the result, which is a hungover Jay Leno waking up underneath his coffee table

and smacking his head with tremendous force."
–"I like the sound of that."
"So you'll love the sound of #11: Scrappy L'il Pat Morita.  He knocks muggers unconscious with garbage pail lids

and bites the ankles of beefy henchmen.

It's all the lowdown, dirty action you always wanted in the KARATE KID movies but never got."
–"I feel like a kid on Christmas."
"You should.  But that's not all there is to his character– there's a touching scene where Jay Leno sends him to the dance floor in a BBQ restaurant so he can steal his ribs, or something,

but the joke is on Leno because Morita's having the time of his life flirting with the locals and throwing his hands in the air, waving them like he doesn't care, etc., etc...

That's #12, I suppose.  I haven't seen anybody that dignified rock that hard since David Warner did to Vanilla Ice in TEENAGE MUTANT NINJA TURTLES II: THE SECRET OF THE OOZE."
–"Fair enough.  So what's #13?"
"I saved the best for last.  So it's the grand finale.  (Spoilers are about to be unleashed, if you think that matters for a movie like COLLISION COURSE.)  Jay Leno's wounded.  He's been shot in the lower buttock.  Pat Morita's trying to help him.  Jay's pulling the 'ole melodramatic 'Go on without me...' bit.  Just then, Chris Sarandon shows up in his luxury automobile, ready to run 'em down like dogs at the far end of a dead end alley. 

I mean, just look how happy he is.  But instead of turnin' tail while Chris tries to go all CHRISTINE on him, Pat Morita makes a stand, running at the vehicle with the confident élan of a Medieval jouster.

He launches himself into the air (er... at the blue screen, rather)

And, well.... perhaps I'd better just show you the splendorous result:
–"Sweet mother of mercy!"
"Yeah."
–"My God."
"Yeah."
–"I just watched it...  forty times."
"That's how it's meant to be watched, my friend."
–"You... were right... about a... Jay Leno movie..."
"I guess hell must have frozen over.  Wanna give AMERICAN HOT WAX a try?"
–"You know... I think I'd better not press my luck."

–Sean Gill


P.S.– COLLISION COURSE is directed by one of my favorites, Lewis Teague, who did ALLIGATOR, CAT'S EYE, CUJO, WEDLOCK, and NAVY SEALS.  It occurred to me just now that there's a  weird connection between Lewis Teague and fellow 80s maestro Todd Holland- both did multiple Stephen King adaptations, one weirdo buddy cop movie in the late 80's, lots o' horror flicks, and worked with Chris Sarandon.  Kinda weird.  Or maybe not.
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Film Review: RIDING THE BULLET (2004, Mick Garris)

July 18, 2014, 7:20 am
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Stars: 1.5 of 5.
Running Time: 98 minutes.
Tag-line: "The dead travel fast."
Notable Cast or Crew: Jonathan Jackson (GENERAL HOSPITAL, INSOMNIA), David Arquette (SCREAM, RAVENOUS), Barbara Hershey (THE STUNT MAN, HOOSIERS, BLACK SWAN), Chris Gauthier (FREDDY VS. JASON, INSOMNIA), Matt Frewer (MAX HEADROOM, every Mick Garris movie), Cliff Robertson (UNDERWORLD U.S.A., CHARLY, ESCAPE FROM L.A.), and Nicky Katt (THE LIMEY, DAZED AND CONFUSED). Makeup effects by Greg Nicotero, Rachel Griffin, and Howard Berger.  Written and directed by Mick Garris.
Best One-liner: "You're a ghost..."–"BOO!"

I'll try and keep this brief.  So I'm watching this movie, an adaptation of the lesser known Stephen King e-book/novella "Riding the Bullet," and I'm not gonna lie– I knew it was a Mick Garris flick beforehand, and I watched it anyway.
You've probably heard me talk Mick Garris/Stephen King before (DESPERATION, QUICKSILVER HIGHWAY, SLEEPWALKERS, THE STAND, etc.) and know by now that my condition is pathological.  It can't be helped.  Mick Garris is going to keep making bad Stephen King movies, King is going to keep sanctioning them, and I'm just gonna keep watching 'em.

 No exaggeration: that font might be the best thing about this movie.

So we got all the Mick Garris standbys- the Cynthia Garris appearance, the Nicolas Pike music, and the obligatory Matt Frewer role.  I've called Garris a one-man Frewer employment agency (they've worked together six times)

and his appearance here amounts to a walk-on as a groovy art teacher with a "cool" earring and a stiff turtleneck.  So yeah.
Anyway, with all these Garris-isms going on,  I started getting excited about seeing Steven Weber (ex-WINGS star and another Garris standby) put his unique acting "spin" on some role in this mess.
 
 Here he is, for instance, out-Nicholsoning Nicholson in THE SHINING '97.

I'm excited for Weber.  I'm jonesin' for Weber...  Where's my Weber?... and then I look it up on IMDb and find out that there's no Weber.  Could it be?  Could it be that there was no role for him?  No room at the inn for Weber? Then who is going to give us a Steven Weber-caliber performance?  We'll return to this pressing issue later on.

I read "Riding the Bullet" a few years ago (it's collected in EVERYTHING'S EVENTUAL) and still remember it pretty clearly.  It's a fairly satisfying, melancholy ghost story centered around an agonizing moral choice, and it plays around with the trope of the "Phantom Hitchhiker" for a while before coming in for a semi-emotional, King-ian climax.  This movie has been heavily expanded from the novella in ways that I don't really care about (which is classic Garris) and this definitely would have played out better as a 25-minute piece in a CREEPSHOW-style omnibus, but I suppose it's too late for that now.

Due to the feature-length padding, it becomes increasingly dull and most of the filler is only tangentially-related to the original story, being largely devoted to silly roadside scares and random fake-outs and dog attacks and killer hillbillies and did-it-happen-or-didn't-it moments and dream sequences that possess equal smatterings of FINAL DESTINATION and THE SIXTH SENSE.  This brings me to the wider question, which is "were people really clamoring to have 'Riding the Bullet' made into a feature-length movie?"  I have no problem with the original story, but I can think of probably forty to sixty as-of-yet-unadapted Stephen King stories that I'd rather see turned into movies.  And everybody knows that if you want to watch a Stephen King movie with "Bullet" in the title, you go for SILVER BULLET.

So this thing is a 60s period piece with an expensive soundtrack: Strawberry Alarm Clock, The Zombies, James Brown, The Chambers Brothers, The Youngbloods.  No idea where that cash came from.  (They shoulda spent it on Steven Weber!)  You can tell it's the 60s because people are referencing Tricky Dick and LEAVE IT TO BEAVER and "John 'I am the Walrus' Lennon" (yes, someone actually utters that aloud).  You can really tell it's the 60s though, because everyone has 90s haircuts and interior decoration

Pictured: The 60s.  (Shockingly similar to JAILBREAKERS' depiction of the 50s!)

 and Death smokes him some reefer, as he did in the 60s.

 This really happens, dear reader.

There's this whole terribly-thought-out narrative device whereupon our hero (Jonathan Jackson) has his internal monologue voiced by a CGI double, and it plays out in ineffective, head-scratching, and spit-take-inducing ways

That Cheech and Chong reference is a few years too early for the 1960s...  Also note: authentic beaded curtain.

that frequently plunge, headfirst, into a morass of unintentional comedy.

Would you believe that this actor came from GENERAL HOSPITAL?  WOULD YOU BELIEVE IT?!

Hey, at least CHRISTINE gets a cameo:


And speaking of cameos, we have two pretty good ones, likely responsible for all 1.5 of the stars I'm awarding this film:
There's the venerable Cliff Robertson, who shows up as an off-his-rocker, crotch-grabbing yokel:

Cliff: you deserved better.

and then Nicky Katt appears, exuding an enjoyable bit of manic energy as a VW minibus-driving fake hippie, and while he does his best to make this feel like a real movie, he only has about two minutes to do so.

Nicky Katt:  improvisin' up a storm.

Also, this movie co-stars Oscar-nominee and acting legend Barbara Hershey as our protagonist's mother.  She has been given the opportunity to utter scintillating Garris dialogue such as the following:


Wow.  Garris walked into a room with Barbara Hershey and said, presumably to her face, that "Today you will be saying 'Awful Damn Crapheads,' and you will be saying it on camera." That takes balls, I suppose.  Or cluelessness.  And I don't mean to pile on Garris, even though I usually do– the man's contributions to CRITTERS 2, THE FLY II, and FUZZBUCKET are noteworthy, and he rather seems like a warm and enthusiastic man.  But wow.  "Awful Damn Crapheads." It happened.  It happened and there's no taking it back.

Furthermore, I believe I have pinpointed the exact moment, on film, when Barbara Hershey fully realizes that her agent talked her into a Mick Garris movie–

It's sinking in: the contracts are signed and there's no backing out.  Study it for long enough and you can even see her internal pep talk at work: "I can handle this for two weeks.  I can handle anything for two weeks..."

Anyway, the movie's almost over when you realize that the main thrust of the novella hasn't even been addressed yet– the part where our hero is picked up by an undead messenger who (metaphorically) skewers him on the horns of a (moral) dilemma.

Said (ghoulish, zany) messenger is played by David Arquette.

Now wait one gosh-gadoodlin' minute!  Somebody call the police!  Arquette stole Steven Weber's role!  The above depiction was clearly intended for Weber.  It's in his wheelhouse.  That is Weber's wheelhouse.

The maniacal facial expressions, the vacant eyes, the dopey one-liners, the pain of WINGS that rests upon his shoulders like a shroud–  could it be?  Could it be that Arquette is playing the role as a Steven Weber pastiche?

Pictured: Steven Weber pastiche.


Pictured: actual Steven Weber.

That's my theory, anyway, and I'm sticking to it.  And despite my better judgment, I'm sure one day I will watch BAG OF BONES (the final Garris/King collaboration I have yet to see).  Whew.  Till that day comes...

 –Sean Gill
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Only now does it occur to me... BEVERLY HILLS COP II

July 22, 2014, 4:38 pm
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Only now does it occur to me... that the COBRA/BEVERLY HILLS COP connections have been overtly referenced on film.

So I'd known for some time that the script that became COBRA was originally written as "BEVERLY HILLS COP," and it was going to star Sylvester Stallone in the now iconic Axel Foley (Eddie Murphy) role. What I didn't know was that the makers of BEVERLY HILLS COP II decked out Billy Rosewood's (Judge Reinhold) home with Sylvester Stallone posters

RAMBO: FIRST BLOOD PART II seen behind MIDNIGHT RUN's John Ashton.

including COBRA himself, who merits a confused look from Eddie Murphy.

Axel Foley, meet your grandfather/weird Cannon Film half-brother.


Then, Stallone continues to cast his shadow over BEVERLY HILLS COP II:  it co-stars crazed Dane, COBRA lead, and Stallone then-wife Brigitte Nielsen.

I have to say that I never thought I'd ever see a whacky, New Wave Nielsen attempt to assassinate Ronny Cox (DELIVERANCE, TOTAL RECALL, ROBOCOP) in broad daylight.


AIEEE!

So this movie is basically one big Stallone lovefest–

Er- let's not tell Sly about this, okay?





 P.S.– Also, is that Dean Stockwell?

Yeah, I guess so.  Hey, he doesn't really feel up to it, either.
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Only now does it occur to me... ARENA

July 26, 2014, 2:53 pm
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Only now does it occur to me...  that BLOODSPORT: IN SPACE basically exists.  It's called ARENA, and though it's not nearly as good as you'd hope, it does indeed deliver on its promise of dudes in rubbery costumes wailing on each other in a futuristic gladiator superdome.
  
 


The responsible parties include Full Moon Pictures' Charles Band, HALLOWEEN I-III producer Irwin Yablans, and TRANCERS and ROCKETEER writers Danny Bilson and Paul De Meo.  Though technically not a Full Moon Picture, it certainly feels like one; and in terms of Charles Band's science-fiction offerings, it's not quiiiiite as good as TRANCERS, VICIOUS LIPS, or ROBOT JOX, though they are fairly creative with the creatures and costumes, given the (clearly) low budget.

A few things of note:

Our human champion Steve Armstrong (there hasn't been one in fifty years) undergoes the typical hero's journey, from making smoothies at the arena snack bar to delivering knuckle sandwiches to space monsters.

He's played by Paul Satterfield, whom you may recognize as Deke from "The Raft" segment of CREEPSHOW 2.

English folk singer Hamilton Camp basically plays an Ian Holm-ish, four-armed "Mickey" from ROCKY:


Marc Alaimo (TOTAL RECALL, STAR TREK: DEEP SPACE NINE) is the fight-fixin' corporate baddie

 and he plays it kind of like a poor man's Jeffrey Jones, which is fine by me.

There's an imitation Admiral Ackbar puttin' away the pints at the local dive bar:

The real Admiral Ackbar in RETURN OF THE JEDI:  "It's a trap!"


Poor man's Ackbar: "What's on tap?"


And our "Chong Li" figure– a.k.a., the big villain who our hero takes on in the tournament championship– is basically a Cyborg Minotaur.  I really appreciate that.


In closing, it's fun enough paracinematic garbage, but it never reaches the illustrious heights or depths of a BLOODSPORT or a ROBOT JOX.  But I, and anyone capable of sentient thought, ought to be overjoyed that it simply exists.
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Only now does it occur to me... DEMONS

August 1, 2014, 8:14 am
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Only now does it occur to me... that DEMONS gets to have its cake and eat it, too.  Of course it's eating it with disgusting, mutated, rat-like demon-teeth,

but that's neither here nor there.  Let me explain what I mean.

The four collaborators on the screenplay comprise a veritable who's who of 80s Italo-Horror [Dario Argento (SUSPIRIA, DEEP RED), Lamberto Bava (son of Mario, A BLADE IN THE DARK, BLASTFIGHTER), Franco Ferrini (ONCE UPON A TIME IN AMERICA, PHENOMENA), and Dardano Sacchetti (THE BEYOND, 1990: BRONX WARRIORS)] and apparently couldn't decide whether or not they wanted a zombie movie, a supernatural horror flick, a giallo, or a post-apocalyptic thriller... so they made DEMONS all of them.

It's like a child deciding that he's going to grow up to be a rock star, pro athlete, astronaut, and judo master (which, incidentally sort of sounds like Buckaroo Banzai)... but then actually following through with it.

Hell, this movie throws everything at you but the kitchen sink.  I wouldn't dream of telling it all, but for starters it has:

Horror director Michel Soavi (STAGEFRIGHT, CEMETERY MAN) as a New Wave Phantom of the Opera handing out fliers to unsuspecting lasses in subway stations:
 

a movie-within-a-movie about stabbings and Nostradamus... with a Mötley Crüe soundtrack:
 

 a green-goo-spewing Rick James zombie-woman:

who goes on to kill a couple of lovebirds in a moment that has provided me with the only occasion I have ever had to write "double-makeout-strangulation" in my screening notebook:


YAHHH

a carload of German punks snorting cocaine out of a Coke can,

one of whom has computer chip earrings:


a blind man having his eyes clawed out in a gratuitous, grotesque moment that prompted me to say aloud, "Well, at least he was already blind..."


and, the coup de grâce– a Samurai Dirtbike

Note: poster for THE TERMINATOR in the background.

that's eventually used (adhering to Chekhov's rule of Samurai Dirtbikes)

to mow down legions of zombie/demons amid hard rockin' tunes in what might actually be the most "metal" tableau ever staged.

Finally, our heroes make the acquaintance of a European gun-nut survivalist family in a Jeep (?!):


and the youngest son is none other than Italo Horror "that kid" Giovanni Frezza, who can be found in A BLADE IN THE DARK, THE NEW BARBARIANS, MANHATTAN BABY, and THE HOUSE BY THE CEMETERY:


Furthermore, the movie is accompanied by an insane soundtrack featuring Claudio Simonetti's (of Goblin) synthesized re-imagining of "In the Hall of the Mountain King" and hits by Billy Idol, Rick Springfield, Go West, Saxon, and The Adventures.  Whew!

So yourself a favor and see this movie.  Do it some Saturday night.  Get some beers, some pizzas, some popcorn, some friends– and watch the hell outta DEMONS.
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