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Only now does it occur to me... VAMPIRE IN BROOKLYN

December 1, 2014, 7:23 am
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Only now does it occur to me... that Eddie Murphy was such a student of Jean-Claude Van Damme.

Look no further than this bit from the agonizing, Wes Craven-helmed, Eddie Murphy produced-written-starred vanity piece VAMPIRE IN BROOKLYN.  In 1995, vampire-mulleted Eddie Murphy's just hangin' out with his lady friend (Angela Bassett) at a bar when a venomous snake crashes the party.

He uses a mystical technique to hypnotize and snatch the snake from the bar,

thus winning the day.

Way back in 1993, when Jean-Claude wore the same mullet in John Woo's HARD TARGET, he was enjoying some lady time in the bayou (with Yancy Butler) when a snake similarly crashed the party.

Without even ruffling his mullet, he grabbed said snake
 and employed a mystical technique to thwomp it into unconsciousness,

thus winning the day.

The big takeaway here is that talented, albeit egocentric maniac Eddie Murphy has learned a lot from Mr. JCVD– and clearly the lessons have extended from entry-level stuff like fashion and grooming  into 300 and 400 level courses, like "How To Immobilize Snakes Mid-Romantic Rendezvous."  Eddie Murphy– he's just like the rest of us, eagerly awaiting the latest offerings of Professor Van Damme.
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Only now does it occur to me... PARADISE ALLEY

December 4, 2014, 7:18 am
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Only now does it occur to me... that OVER THE TOP was not Stallone's first run-in with the glamorous world of arm-wrestling.

In PARADISE ALLEY, his directorial debut (it's a post-WWII, poverty-row, Hell's Kitchen, bootstrap-pullin', wrasslin' tale), Stallone acts as a manager for his brother Vic (Lee Canalito) and arranges an arm-wrestling match where the prize is a gangster's monkey.


This monkey.

His brother delivers (taking it over the top, so to speak)

and Stallone finally fulfills his lifelong dream of owning a dancing monkey.


The monkey is last seen on the street with Stallone, seriously underperforming:
Yo– look at the dancin' monkey!

Also of note:  for a movie that actually has Tom Waits in it, 

 As "Mumbles"

it's Sylvester Stallone who sings the title song, and his brother Frank who plays "Lounge Singer."

 Everybody loves Frank Stallone.

Though to be fair, the soundtrack does feature the same number (two) of Waits songs as Frank Stallone songs, with "(Meet Me In) Paradise Alley" and "Annie's Back in Town," and conjures the proper atmosphere of whiskey-fueled despondency!
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Only now does it occur to me... THE BAND WAGON

December 8, 2014, 7:15 am
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Only now does it occur to me... that Fred Astaire/Cyd Charisse/Vincente Minnelli vehicle THE BAND WAGON– one of the last great Technicolor musicals from Hollywood's golden era– could easily be refashioned as an expressionist horror film.

For instance, the number "Triplets"– which recasts full-grown adults as monstrous baby-children–


captures an uncanny sense of proportion and movement that probably belongs in a CHILD'S PLAY movie.

Later, the show-stopping "Girl Hunt Ballet" depicts a crime-laden labyrinth of candy-colored terror

 with ominous shadows at every turn,

creepy silk quasi-surgical masks,
rooms packed with nearly as many mannequin heads as TOURIST TRAP,

 I need a closer look at that...


 My God, WHY?!

 
 Real heads, too?  And what's with the terrifying papier-maché Freddy Krueger head beside him?!  I'll be seeing that rictus grin in my nightmares!

and violence meted out at every turn by hordes of identical noir villains, whose choreographed uniformity and overwhelming force of numbers feel like a more existential threat, like something out of a Kafka story.  Hell, they probably work for the same government that's depicted in THE TRIAL.

I mean, look at the effect all this has on Astaire.
That's not a man in a musical comedy– that's a man gazing deeply into a Lovecraftian abyss.  And I really appreciate that.
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Film Review: KING SOLOMON'S MINES (1985, J. Lee Thompson)

December 15, 2014, 7:34 am
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Stars: 2.5 of 5.
Running Time: 100 minutes.
Tag-line: "The Adventure of a Lifetime"
Notable Cast or Crew:  Starring Richard Chamberlain (SHOGUN, THE MUSIC LOVERS), Sharon Stone (BASIC INSTINCT, SLIVER), John Rhys-Davies (RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK, THE FELLOWSHIP OF THE RING), Herbert Lom (THE DEAD ZONE, SPARTACUS).  Written by Gene Quintano (POLICE ACADEMY 3, POLICE ACADEMY 4: CITIZENS ON PATROL) and James R. Silke (REVENGE OF THE NINJA, NINJA III: THE DOMINATION).  Music by Jerry Goldsmith (THE OMEN, GREMLINS, ALIEN).  Produced by Menahem Golan and Yoram Globus.  Directed by J. Lee Thompson (CAPE FEAR, DEATH WISH 4: THE CRACKDOWN).
Best One-liner:  "I'll take that rug!"

KING SOLOMON'S MINES is an unabashed, unrepentant rip-off of the Indiana Jones series, sloppily orchestrated by everybody's favorite 1980s production company, Cannon Films.  The utter shamelessness of the effort is staggering... and brilliant... and absurd. 

First, a little background.  Cannon Films wanted to celebrate the centennial of Henry Rider Haggard's famed adventure novel, KING SOLOMON'S MINES (1885) and make a few dollars along the way by ridin' the Indiana Jones gravy train.  They shot two movies (this and ALLAN QUATERMAIN AND THE LOST CITY OF GOLD) simultaneously to maximize the profit (as was the case with 1970s classics like THE THREE MUSKETEERS/FOUR MUSKETEERS and SUPERMAN/SUPERMAN II, among others).  Tobe Hooper was originally slated to direct, but instead used his Cannon Connections to do LIFEFORCE the same year.  In his absence, resident director and Charles Bronson-wrangler J. Lee Thompson took over.  Apparently the shoot proved to be so cursed that he (possibly apocryphally) hired a witch doctor (!) to make sure things didn't get any worse.  
As our Indiana Jones– er, I mean, Allan Quatermain– they hired Richard Chamberlain who so brilliantly portrayed Tchaikovsky in Ken Russell's THE MUSIC LOVERS, but Cannon was probably excited he'd made some recent success in the TV miniseries department (SHOGUN, THE THORN BIRDS).  
 
Chamberlain and Stone encounter the natives in KING SOLOMON'S MINES.

Ford and Capshaw encounter the natives in INDIANA JONES AND THE TEMPLE OF DOOM.

Sharon Stone is our female lead, and any similarity to TEMPLE OF DOOM's Willie Scott (Kate Capshaw) is surely coincidental.  
  
Sharon Stone as  Jesse Huston.

  
Kate Capshaw as Willie Scott.

When I saw Golan speak a few years back he said (with utter charm) "Sharon Stone is our discovery.  She was a nobody before us."  And I think this exact quote from the IMDb trivia page says it all:  "Sharon Stone was hired by mistake Golan had wanted another actress instead of her."  That's perfect.

But back to the movie.  This thing is awful.  But it is also spectacular.  I'm not even sure how I feel about it.  It often plays like goofball parody, but it's got that sincere Cannon moxie, too, mixed with plenty of non-sequiturs. I suppose the major question here is this:  Is Cannon Films taking the piss?  Is this an elaborate joke on the audience?  I genuinely can't tell. On the one hand, it's directed by stiff-lipped Englishman J. Lee Thompson (CAPE FEAR, THE GUNS OF NAVARONE), who managed to make a scene where Bronson assaults a man with a dildo feel earnestly grim.  On the other, it's co-written by the guy who did POLICE ACADEMY 3 &4.  Hmm.  

Let's look at the opening scene as a case study.  RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK-alumnus John Rhys-Davies (who is a fan of paychecks) is trying to force some poor sap into translating the writing on a mystical artifact. 
The poor sap translator's buddy makes a run for the door, whereupon he triggers a deadly trap that skewers him against the doorway with what is essentially a giant meat tenderizer.
It's sort of gruesome, and is not played for a laugh.  Then John Rhys-Davies' crony, who apparently owns the building they use for intimidating potential artifact translators, pops up and exclaims, "MY DOOR!"
like how Charles Bronson says, "It's MY car!" in DEATH WISH 3.  Why is he so concerned?  If he owns the building, he already knows that he had a giant meat tenderizer hanging from the ceiling, ready to destroy his door if someone tried to escape.  Is it supposed to be funny?  Like, "wow, he is overly concerned about the property damage right now."  Or is it supposed to be harsh character-building, like "gee, these guys are tough customers– they just murdered somebody and only care about the holes in the door."  Or is it supposedly to be morbidly and cretinously 'funny' in a BEAVIS & BUTTHEAD vein, like "Hah ha!  That guy got skewered!"  It's difficult to assess.

Most of this film is difficult to assess.  It's packed with racist, imperialist attitudes (replicated from the original 1885 novel) but they're handled with the bizarro Cannon approach, the same one that brought us colorblind gang violence in DEATH WISH 3 and the "It's A Small World" of rap videos in RAPPIN'.  This movie is racially problematic to the point where you begin to wonder if it possesses a spoofy-self awareness, applying a post-modern lens to Nineteenth Century attitudes.  But in the end,  you can't approve of a movie where every person of color is either a buffoon, a cannibal, or someone who desires to feed you to crocodiles for sport.
This movie came out in 1985.

So let's pretend that KING SOLOMON'S MINES is a spoof of classic adventure novels, cultural appropriation, racist caricatures, etc., etc...  so then why is it trying so hard at times to be an Indiana Jones film?  In this regard, I mean that it drops the jokey façade and attempts to recreate, nearly shot for shot, several setpieces from the first two Indy movies.  [Of course this is all rather like an ouroboros (the snake eating its own tail), because the Indy movies are inspired by the Republic serials that were inspired by the original Quatermain novels, but no matter.]

There's the "Basket Game" scene from RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK, whereupon Indiana Jones tries to save Marion from the Nazis in Cairo after she's whisked away in a basket by Egyptian goons on the German payroll.  The same thing happens in KING SOLOMON'S MINES, except they throw Sharon Stone in a carpet roll instead of a basket.

 
 Indy shoves his way through the crowd in RAIDERS.

 
 Quatermain shoves his way through the crowd in MINES.


The basket's getting away in RAIDERS.


The carpet's getting away in MINES.


Then, take the famous "Ark Truck Chase" scene from RAIDERS.  Indy is flung through the windshield, over the hood, under the truck, and dragged from behind while clinging to his whip.


In MINES, the exact same thing happens– except it's on a train, not a truck, so it's totally different.



My final example (I could go on) is from INDIANA JONES AND THE TEMPLE OF DOOM.  Indy and Short Round find themselves trapped in a chamber where spikes descend from the ceiling after a large stone lever is pressed.



The exact scenario arises in MINES, except the budget's lower, so we get papier-maché stalactites instead of the aforementioned fearsome iron spikes.

So that would seem to close the book on that– it's not parodying Indiana Jones– it wants to be Indiana Jones.  Though we cannot neglect the major point here:  this is a Cannon Film.  It can't be Indiana Jones, no matter how hard it tries.  It's not going to be competent enough to do so.  But in trying, you would assume that it could stumble upon some unintentional movie magic.  And, on a few occasions, it does:

SEE!  A giant, rabid spider eat a poor extra wearing a fez:


It comes with the Cannon guarantee that you've seen better special effects on your neighbor's lawn last Halloween.

BEHOLD!  An evil sorcerer thrown down a pit like the Emperor in RETURN OF THE JEDI and exploding in flower of matted-in flames!


GAZE UPON!  A Nessie-style dinosaur chomping on a man while Sharon Stone looks on in terrorized disbelief!

Sharon Stone, Oscar-nominated (...for CASINO).

In the end, as I said, I'm not sure what to do with this.  It comes nowhere near the heights of the Cannon classics (like BLOODSPORT or THE APPLE or REVENGE OF THE NINJA), and is probably most comparable to FIREWALKER, another J. Lee Thompson-directed Cannon rip-off of Indiana Jones.  But, being part freak show and part train wreck, I sorta can't believe this thing exists, and for that I must award it about two and a half (extremely awkward) stars.

–Sean Gill
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Only now does it occur to me... COMPANY OF KILLERS

December 21, 2014, 10:40 pm
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Only now does it occur to me...  that while COMPANY OF KILLERS is a fairly dull, run-of-the-mill 70s TV police procedural, amid depressed Ray Milland,

I feel your pain, Ray

a sleepy Fritz Weaver,

I know it ain't CREEPSHOW, but run it up the flagpole, man!

and a hardboiled but bland John Saxon (doing a weird, sorta old-country accent),

He plays– no joke– an assassin named... "Poohler"

is an incredibly likable Clu Gulager performance as "Frank Quinn," a persistent and wacky newspaper reporter who cracks wise and offers people the opportunity to pull out his tonsils.

He's always chewing on things and messing around with unexpected bits of acting business, as is his way.  You get the idea he's actually having some fun in the middle of all this crap, which is more than can be said for anyone else.  Good goin', Clu!

(And for those who are not acquainted, you can read more about my love of all things Gulager here, and a little more about the saga of his artistic family here.)
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Television Review: CHRISTMAS AT PEE WEE'S PLAYHOUSE (1988, Wayne Orr & Paul Reubens)

December 25, 2014, 9:48 am
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Stars: 5 of 5.
Running Time: 49 minutes.
Tag-line: None.
Notable Cast or Crew: Paul Reubens (PEE WEE'S BIG ADVENTURE, BUFFY THE VAMPIRE SLAYER), Annette Funicello (BABES IN TOYLAND, BEACH PARTY), Frankie Avalon (GREASE, DR. GOLDFOOT AND THE BIKINI MACHINE), Grace Jones (A VIEW TO A KILL, VAMP), k.d. lang, Dinah Shore, Little Richard, Cher, Magic Johnson, Zsa Zsa Gabor, Whoopi Goldberg (FATAL BEAUTY, THE CELEBRITY GUIDE TO WINE), Oprah Winfrey, Joan Rivers,  Charo, Laurence Fishburne (APOCALYPSE NOW, BOYZ N THE HOOD), Chairry, Floory, Globey, Conky 2000, Clockey, Magic Screen, Pterri, Mr. Window, Dirty Dog, Cool Cat, Chicky Baby, Randy, Billy Baloney, the Dinosaur Family, and The Flowers.
Best One-liner:  "That was Cher!  Cher was right over there!  In the same room as my chair!  I hope I didn't stare!  Oh well!  I don't care!"
Secret Word: "Year."

Now this was an 11th Hour Christmas Eve recommendation from my sister, who let me know it was streaming on Netflix.  And holy cow, what an embarrassment of festive, camp-tastic riches!  Occasionally subversive for a children's program, it uses its substantial powers to celebrate diversity and kitsch in something approaching equal quantities.  It's madness down the line, but for the moment, let me regale you with the top seven most amazingly absurd moments in CHRISTMAS AT PEE-WEE'S PLAYHOUSE:

#7.  The opening tableau, which involves sequined back-up singers and the UCLA Glee Club men's choir dressed as U.S. Marines in dress blues
 
cavorting in the background and ultimately hoisting Pee Wee into the camera lens where he caterwauls impressively.

#6.  L.A. Laker Magic Johnson shows up inside the Magic Screen


because Magic Johnson is cousins with the Magic Screen.  Later, they are chased by a cartoon polar bear:


#5.  Pee Wee forces Annette Funicello and Frankie Avalon into a form of slave labor, the arts n' craftsy task at hand being to construct his Christmas cards.



Later, for all their efforts, he serves them bread and water.


#4.  Whoa-oh-oh!  Cher drops by to mess around with Conky and determine the Word of the Day, which is "YEAR."

Pee Wee then proceeds to make a variety of Cher-related puns.


This represents the content and flavor of the entire show condensed into a single freeze frame.

#3.  Little Richard minces in, flustered by his own inability to ice skate.

Pee Wee then delights Little Richard with a deft display of ice-skating.



However, the use of stunt double "Hans" saddens Little Richard, who pouts in disappointment.


#2.  There is an ongoing gag about Pee Wee receiving unwanted fruitcakes.  Naturally, he sets two beefcake-y construction workers to building him a tower out of them.


 Literally a tower of fruitcakes.

#1.  A crate is delivered by mistake to Pee Wee.

It is intended for then-lame duck President Ronald Reagan.

The crate contains Grace Jones, who is wearing a bizarro foam outfit with sculpted breast-molds, because of course she is.

Pee Wee attempts to repackage Grace Jones,


 but she insists on singing "The Little Drummer Boy" while she strips off her fur and gloves as if proceeding into a burlesque number

while Pee Wee himself sits on a tiny chair in childlike euphoria throughout.

Unfortunately, no one has ever accidentally delivered Grace Jones to my house.

I feel as if I have only scratched the surface here (I didn't even get to Charo, Whoopi, Oprah, or Laurence Fishburne!), and invite you, too, to visit this, which may very well be the most willfully insane of all the 80s Christmas specials.  (You'll note that the STAR WARS HOLIDAY SPECIAL is from the 70s.)  Merry Christmas, happy holidays, and here's to a tremendous New Year!

That's the secret word!  AHHHHHHHHHH!

–Sean Gill
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Book Review: SPLINTER OF THE MIND'S EYE (1978, Alan Dean Foster)

December 29, 2014, 6:43 am
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Stars:  3 of 5.
Length:  199 pages.
Publisher:  Del Rey/Ballantine, NY.
Tag-line: "Stranded on a jungle planet, Luke Skywalker and Princess Leia found themselves desperately racing Imperial stormtroopers to claim a gem that had mysterious powers over THE FORCE"

Now this is a true curiosity.  A quickie paperback sequel to STAR WARS that used inside info of George Lucas' original drafts of the script (with his blessing) to build a smaller, more intimate storyline that might have been the actual movie sequel to STAR WARS had the first film not been such a resounding success.

The plot follows Luke, Leia, C-3PO, and R2-D2 as they travel to the Circarpous system to spread the Rebellion and recover a mysterious force-focusing crystal on the planet Mimban.  Darth Vader makes a brief appearance at the end, also hunting for the crystal.  Ben Kenobi is mentioned a few times, though Han and Chewbacca are nowhere to be found (Han warrants one mention only, on the penultimate page, when Luke argues in passing, "I know another man, a smuggler and a pirate, who once thought the same way as you.").  

It's a strange, quick read (it's one of those books you can finish in an hour and a half) that feels sort of quaint (droids are persistently called 'droids throughout, for instance) in light of the actual STAR WARS sequels, and any die hard fan will find much amusement in its pages.  Therefore, without further ado, here are my ten strangest/most hideous/favorite things about SPLINTER OF THE MIND'S EYE:

#10.  The level of self-seriousness.  First off, the title: SPLINTER OF THE MIND'S EYE.  It's already striving for something greater than "STAR WARS." STAR WARS gets straight to the point: you got yer stars, you got yer wars, and there you go.  "SPLINTER OF THE MIND'S EYE" sounds partway between a Tennessee Williams play and a Daphne Du Maurier short story and a Philip K. Dick novel. This seriousness sometimes extends to the prose.  For instance, the opening line had me chuckling out loud:

"How beautiful was the universe, Luke thought.  How beautifully flowing, glorious, and aglow like the robe of a queen."

Now, in context, the first movie began with pew-pew laser-blastin' spacecraft screaming across a field of stars...  that I've always considered to be much like like the robe of a queen.

Pictured: the robe of a queen.


#9.  The names.  Alan Dean Foster definitely nails Lucas' (more recent) propensity for unwieldy names:  Circarpousians, Kaiburr Crystals, The Temple of Pomojema, Captain-Supervisor Grammel...  er– Captain-Supervisor Grammel?  Seriously?  There is no precedent in the first film for the rank of Captain-Supervisor.  That's unwieldiness for unwieldiness' sake. And I kinda like that.

#8.  So much Luke and Leia romance.  SO MUCH LUKE AND LEIA ROMANCE.

This was more than enough already.

I realize that they peck in STAR WARS and kiss in THE EMPIRE STRIKES BACK and that we don't know their actual sibling relationship until halfway through RETURN OF THE JEDI, but in retrospect this stuff is extraordinarily awkward, and most of it feels culled from a trashy Harlequin paperback:
"The other [Leia]...  whenever he looked at her, the other caused emotions to boil within him like soup too long on the fire, no matter if she was separated from him by near vacuum as at present or by only an arm's length in a conference room."

"Awkwardly pressed up against him, the Princess seemed to take no notice of their proximity.  In the dampness, though, her body heat was near palpable to Luke and he had to force himself to keep his attention on what he was doing."
"Disheveled and caked with mud from the waist down, she was still beautiful."

Luke does some sleeper creepin':

"It was not the face of a Princess and a Senator or a leader of the Rebel Alliance, but instead that of a chilled child.  Moistly parted in sleep, her lips seemed to beckon to him.  He leaned closer, seeking refuge from the damp green and brown of the swamp in the hypnotic redness."

At one point Luke and Leia must (?!) undress in front of each other:

"She put her hands on seal-curve hips, cocked her head to one side and stared meaningfully at him.  'Oh,' he murmured, half-smiling.  He turned away and continued undressing."

At another point, in a great leap forward for gender relations, Leia must role-play as Luke's servant-girl in order to fool the local authorites:

"He thought furiously.  'No, she's... uh, I bought her.'  Leia twitched, stared at him a moment before returning resolutely to her food.  'Yes, she's a servant of mine.  Spent all my earnings on her.' ... Her shoulders shook.  'But she was the best I could afford.  And she's kind of amusing to have around, though she tends to get out of line at times and I have to slap her down.'

#7.  As a writer myself, I'm always on the lookout for bad sentences, the sort that jut out of the page and fall straight on their faces.  Usually, they are ambitious sentences; a simple sentence has fewer ways in which it can go wrong.  In any event, bad sentences can happen to good writers, and Alan Dean Foster is no exception:

"While most of it tasted like reprocessed X-Wing fuselage insulation, a couple of the subterranean gourmet delights were downright flavorful."
"We could find ourselves marooned forever on this empty world, without companionship, without knowledge tapes, without... without lubricants!"

"She did as she was told, the motion generating squelching sounds from the bog."

"Air!  Most delicious of gases, it filled his starved lungs, those weakened bellows pumping harder with every fresh breath."

"Swear it!" She [Leia] demanded, her voice that of a steel kitten."

#6.  Pre-Yoda speak.  At one point, Luke pontificates, "Survive we will, if the Force is with us."  The man hasn't even met Yoda yet!


#5.  Lovecraft references.  At one point, beloved Lovecraft descriptors like "eldritch,""stygian,""abyssal," and  "sepulchral" appear within the same paragraph.  The only one missing is "Cyclopean."  As they say, everybody loves Lovecraft.


#4.  Brief social commentary.  On the planet Mimban, the underclass' plight is addressed:
"She gestured, and they saw the degraded, crawling beggars pleading with patrons for a chance to perform the most servile acts in return for a sip of alcohol."
Holy shit– Imperial policies have created a society of deviant hobo drunks!

The STAR WARS universe and this guy seem like they'd be a good fit.


#3.  After cutting off a ruffian's hand with his lightsaber, the Mimban locals give Luke the nickname "Saberman." Boy, I wish that name would've stuck!

"Use the force, Saberman."


#2.  Foster is forced to expand on little throwaway bits from the first movie because at this point, it represents the entirety of his source text.  Some of these are actually well-developed.

For instance, Leia is basically suffering PTSD from her encounter with the interrogation droid in the first STAR WARS movie. ("Small black worms crawled through her brain...the machine drifting into her holding cell.  The remorseless black machine, illegal, concocted by twisted Imperial scientists in defiance of every code, legal and moral... Screaming, screaming, screaming never to stop she was...").

Later, she makes Luke promise to murder her ("put that saber at your hip to my throat") if she's captured by Vader, because she won't be taken alive again.

Grand Moff Tarkin (Peter Cushing) mentions the Emperor disbanding the Imperial Senate in the first STAR WARS.  In SPLINTER OF THE MIND'S EYE, Foster tries to address how this is putting undue pressure on the local system Governors, who no longer have Senate infrastructure and don't always have access to Imperial military.  While it's kind of bureaucratic in a PHANTOM MENACE kind of way, I appreciate the effort.


#2.  Darth Vader is a total perv.  I guess the dudes's always been into leather and bondage and asphyxiation and could definitely fit in with the gas mask fetishists.

I would never say that his cape reminded me of the robe of a queen, however.

Maybe this whole time his cape has really been just one big handkerchief indicating what sorts of scenes he's into.

Would you say, "leather daddy?"

Anywho, in SPLINTER OF THE MIND'S EYE, while fighting Princess Leia Vader says the following:
"'Foolish infant.  The Force is with me, not you.'  But, he [Vader] shrugged amiably, "we will see."  He assumed a position of readiness.  'Come, girl-woman... amuse me.'"
Er–  did you really just say that?

"Yes," Vader observed, perverse amusement in his voice, "I can see that you do.  I am truly sorry I have nothing as elaborate to treat you to at this time.  'However,'  he added, swinging his weapon lightly, 'one can do some interesting things with a saber, you know.  I'll do my best to show you all of them if you'll cooperate by not passing out.'
WHAT!?!


In lieu of comment, I will simply remind you that we never really knew what went on inside that chamber.


#1.  Okay, so we seem to have a mix of progressive and backward thinking running throughout this book.  It takes a hardline stance on torture and Imperial hobo policy, but on servant-girl fantasy and daddy-daughter-dance protocol, it's a tad sexist.

Let me back that up: it becomes a plot element that Princess Leia can't swim.  And Luke can.  Luke, who spent the entirety of his life thus far on a desert planet.  As in, "lacking in bodies of water whatsoever." From our brief glimpse of Leia's planet Alderaan before it's destroyed,

we can see that it's at least 75% water.  Plus, Leia clearly had Alderaanian dressage tauntauns and palace diving pools and water polo lessons and lakeshore property and sailing lessons and summer homes and all that jazz, and you don't experience all that without learning how to swim.

In SPLINTER OF THE MIND'S EYE, Luke demonstrates his lifeguarding skills on Leia and she says, "I'm sorry I was so much trouble.  I'm sorry I did so much screaming.  I... usually have better control of myself than that."  In the first STAR WARS movie we saw Leia survive torture, murder a stormtrooper at point-blank range while his blaster was set to 'stun,' and coordinate a war room.  She's a two-fisted Hawksian heroine, for sure, and she doesn't need a farm boy to fish her out of a swamp.

At least she gets to take on Darth Vader with Luke's– I mean Saberman's– lightsaber at the end, but she only holds him to a draw till Luke can extract himself from the rock that has pinned him. Luke finishes the battle but cutting off Vader's arm and knocking him down a mineshaft, which is a pretty stock ending, but what are you gonna do.

Three stars.

–Sean Gill
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Film Review: LICENCE TO KILL (1989, John Glen)

January 5, 2015, 6:49 am
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Stars: 3.8 of 5.
Running Time: 133 minutes.
Tag-line: "His bad side is a dangerous place to be."
Notable Cast or Crew:  Timothy Dalton (THE LIVING DAYLIGHTS, HOT FUZZ), Carey Lowell (DOWN TWISTED, DANGEROUSLY CLOSE), Robert Davi (DIE HARD, THE GOONIES), Talisa Soto (Kitana in MORTAL KOMBAT and MORTAL KOMBAT: ANNIHILATION), Anthony Zerbe (THE DEAD ZONE, STEEL DAWN), Frank McRae (LAST ACTION HERO, 48 HRS.), Wayne Newton (TALES FROM THE CRYPT), Benicio Del Toro (THE USUAL SUSPECTS, FEAR AND LOATHING IN LAS VEGAS), Everett McGill (TWIN PEAKS, SILVER BULLET, THE PEOPLE UNDER THE STAIRS), Desmond Llewelyn ('Q' from FROM RUSSIA WITH LOVE through THE WORLD IS NOT ENOUGH, from 1963 to 1999), Grand L. Bush (LETHAL WEAPON, DIE HARD).  Music by Michael Kamen (LETHAL WEAPON, DIE HARD).
Best One-liner:  "God, what a terrible waste... of money."

LICENCE TO KILL might be the meanest of all the Bond films, feeling at times more like a DEATH WISH sequel or a spin-off of SCARFACE.  It's by no means a top-tier James Bond film, but I enjoyed it quite a bit.  The plot is thus: after his longtime CIA buddy Felix Leiter becomes mutilated and widower'ed on his honeymoon, Bond goes rogue, has his license to kill revoked, and hunts down the drug lord (classic 80s character actor villain Robert Davi) responsible.  As I said, it's quite mean-spirited, and is chock full of severed limbs, non-consensual BDSM, exploding heads, torture, and all sorts of other stuff you wouldn't expect in a Bond film.  There was a gung ho wave of anti-drug paramilitary-ism in the late 80s and early 90s with so many franchises turning in a cartel-related installment:  DEATH WISH gave us DEATH WISH 4: THE CRACKDOWN, DIRTY HARRY gave us THE DEAD POOL, DELTA FORCE gave us DELTA FORCE 2: THE COLUMBIAN CONNECTION, the Jack Ryan series gave us CLEAR AND PRESENT DANGER, and the James Bond series gave us LICENCE TO KILL.  I could go on.

Now, what about those beloved minutiae– the strange little happenings and unexpected appearances that make 80s action movies so enjoyable for me?   Well, here are my top nine such moments in LICENCE TO KILL:

#9.  Ninjas fly down from the rafters and start shooting nets out of their sleeves like Spiderman slings web.



No, this isn't a Cannon Film, and no, they don't appear in any other scene.

#8.  Q's finest gadget by far in this film (compare to his last great offering, "The Ghetto Blaster" in THE LIVING DAYLIGHTS) is a Polaroid camera that conceals a death-ray laser-beam.

PEW!

#7.  This random guy, whose explanation for a cartel torture-by-shark is to blame it on cartel torture-by-chainsaw.  He begins speculating to Timothy Dalton and Frank McRae about how much Columbians use chainsaws.

Then he says that they use them even more than people from Oregon.

What?  How is that a valid comparison?  Is it a logging industry reference?  Columbia and Oregon both possess a great deal of forest, though Columbia has four times the square milage of Oregon.  And if you were to pick a U.S. state that people associate with chainsaws, it'd probably be Texas.  Oh, nevermind– I get it.  It must be a handcrafted-artisanal-chainsaw-sculpture reference.

#6.  Wayne Newton as a preening televangelist cult leader.

He pulls it off wonderfully; it's no sort of stretch whatsoever.

#5.  Evil Everett McGill.

While I love "Good Everett McGill," as best depicted in "Big Ed" from TWIN PEAKS, I must say that I have a soft spot for "Evil Everett McGill," particularly as seen in SILVER BULLET and THE PEOPLE UNDER THE STAIRS. Here, we get the Evil variety, and while he only has about five minutes of screen time before he is voraciously eaten by sharks, it's a fine showing.


#4.  Guest-directed by Lucio Fulci?  A man has maggots thrown in his face,

 and Bond nearly meets some eye trauma at the business end of a wall-mounted swordfish.


You will note that I just basically described every Lucio Fulci film.

#3.  Even in 1989, the "80s Rule of Pools" is still in effect.  I've written about this elsewhere, but the idea is that if A., a swimming pool exists, then B., someone fully clothed must be pushed into it, arms flailing.

It's simply the 80s Rule of Pools, Mr. Bond.

#2.  Benicio Del Toro.  Fresh off his first film appearance as "Duke the Dog-Faced Boy" in BIG-TOP PEE WEE, Del Toro really sinks his teeth into "Dario," a lesser cartel henchman.

For whatever reason, I think he's wearing the same black blazer and red shirt he wears six years later in THE USUAL SUSPECTS:

though by 1995, he no longer looks as much like a member of Menudo, which is a shame in its own right.

#1.  Robert Davi (and his pet Iguana).
 
I don't have much to add here, other than to point out the Iguana is wearing a diamond choker.  Davi acts throughout as if he's in a hard-R-rated drug war flick and not a mass-market James Bond movie, and his frightening presence comprises much of what makes this film so memorable.  It's probably also why this film created the largest gap (it would be six years until Bond returned in GOLDENEYE) in the Bond franchise since its inception!

–Sean Gill
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Only now does it occur to me... BOOMERANG

January 7, 2015, 5:40 pm
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Only now does it occur to me... that when I just wrote about Grace Jones' ridiculous arrival via crate in the CHRISTMAS AT PEE WEE'S PLAYHOUSE SPECIAL, that it was, in fact, a common mode of transport.  In the 1992 Eddie Murphy comedy BOOMERANG, a mysterious crate is helicoptered onto the docks of New York
and the lid falls down to reveal:


Grace Jones being dragged around in a Roman chariot drawn by leather-bondage dudes.

Either this references an 80s concert gimmick I'm not familiar with, is an homage to the aforementioned PEE WEE special, or it represents the fulfillment of an incredibly specific contractual demand by Ms. Jones.  Oh, the mysteries of the ages!
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Only now does it occur to me... CIRCLE OF IRON

January 12, 2015, 9:24 am
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Only now does it occur to me...  um... where to begin?  At the beginning, the middle, or the end?  Truly they are all the same, because the beginning is the middle as well as the end, and of course there never was a beginning, middle, or end.  Like a circle.  Of Iron.

So... CIRCLE OF IRON is a quasi-mystical martial arts action epic (based on a story by Bruce Lee and James Coburn!) that harvests that fertile ground where "Kung Fu-Samuel Beckett" and "Bible-themed community theater" intersect.  Don't believe me?  Here's Eli Wallach soaking in a tub in the middle of the desert, trying to dissolve himself in oil to prove a metaphysical point:
Samuel Beckett's lesser known martial arts play, WAITING FOR G'DEATH-BLOW.

Here's Christopher Lee, offering us a flower, donning a resewn pillowcase headpiece, and instructing us about the nature of existence:
They easily could have gone with this instead of the "modified 90s Cher" look for Saruman.

Here's a wacky-wigged David Carradine (who plays–count 'em– four roles!), ready to rumble and tearing off his robe to reveal a man-bra/S&M harness made out of Treasure Trolls' jewels:
Also– he's kind of pulling it off!

Here's Roddy McDowall, possibly wearing a woman's spandex leggings as a hat, and overseeing some sort of wizard kumite:
I think now we should call him "Rowdy Roddy" McDowall.

What a day for a kumite.

And, in a possible nod to Roddy's role in the PLANET OF THE APES films, this universe also has kung fu monkey men:
Budget was an issue.

And we mustn't forget the glorious Jeff Cooper as "Cord," the seeker of knowledge, whom you would never guess was on THE YOUNG AND THE RESTLESS and DALLAS:
In the end, it's BLOODSPORT at a monastery, equal parts drive-in trash and Zen metaphysics, the no man's land between watching EL TOPO and being trapped in conversation with your crazy uncle.  And for that, CIRCLE OF IRON, I salute you.
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Junta Juleil's Updated, Browsable List of Reviews– January 2015

January 19, 2015, 1:12 pm
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BALTIKA EXTRA 9 (2008, Russia)BANANAS (1971, Woody Allen)THE BAND WAGON (1953, Vincente Minnelli)
BARFLY (1987, Barbet Schroeder)
BASKET CASE (1982, Frank Henenlotter)
BATTLE IN HEAVEN (2005, Carlos Reygadas)
BEAT GIRL (1959, Edmond T. Gréville)
BEAT STREET (1984, Stan Lathan)
THE BEGUILED (1971, Don Siegel)
BEST WORST MOVIE (2009, Michael Stephenson)BEVERLY HILLS COP II (1987, Tony Scott) BIG (1988, Penny Marshall)
BIG BLOW (2000, United States)
THE BIG CLEAN (198?, Michael Ironside)THE BIG EASY (1986, Jim McBride)
BIG TROUBLE IN LITTLE CHINA (1986, John Carpenter)
"BIG TROUBLE IN LITTLE CHINA" (1986, The Coup de Villes)
BIGGER THAN LIFE (1956, Nicholas Ray)
BILL AND COO (1948, Dean Riesner)
THE BIRD WITH THE CRYSTAL PLUMAGE (1970, Dario Argento)
BLACK BOOK (2006, Paul Verhoeven)
THE BLACK CAT (2007, Stuart Gordon)
BLACK MOON RISING (1986, Harley Cokliss)A BLADE IN THE DARK (1983, Lamberto Bava) BLADE RUNNER (1982, Ridley Scott)BLIND FURY (1989, Philip Noyce)BLOOD BATH (1966, Jack Hill & Stephanie Rothman)
THE BLOOD OF HEROES (1989, David Webb Peoples)
BLOODSPORT (1988, Newt Arnold)BLOODSPORT 2: THE NEXT KUMITE (1996, Alan Mehrez)BLUE CHIPS (1994, William Friedkin)
BLUE COLLAR (1978, Paul Schrader)
BLUE DIAMOND BEER (2005, China)
BLUE STEEL (1989, Kathryn Bigelow)
THE BLOB (1988, Chuck Russell)
BLOOD WORK (2002, Clint Eastwood)
BOARDING GATE (2008, Olivier Assayas)
BODY DOUBLE (1984, Brian De Palma)BODY BAGS (1993, John Carpenter & Tobe Hooper)
BODY OF EVIDENCE (1993, Uli Edel)
BODY PARTS (1991, Eric Red)BOOMERANG (1992, Reginald Hudlin) BORDELLO OF BLOOD (1996, Gilbert Adler)
BORDERLINE (1980, Jerrold Freedman)
BOXING HELENA (1993, Jennifer Chambers Lynch)
THE BOY WHO COULD FLY (1986, Nick Castle)BOYZ N THE HOOD (1991, John Singleton)
BRAINSCAN (1994, John Flynn)BREWSTER'S MILLIONS (1985, Walter Hill)
BRAZIL (1985, Terry Gilliam)BREAKING GLASS (1980, Brian Gibson)
BROKEN ARROW (1996, John Woo)BRONCO BILLY (1980, Clint Eastwood)
BRONX WARRIORS (1982, Enzo G. Castellari)
THE BUDDY HOLLY STORY (1978, Steve Rash)
BUFFY THE VAMPIRE SLAYER (1992, Fran Rubel Kazui)
BUIO OMEGA (1979, Joe D'Amato)BULLET TO THE HEAD (2013, Walter Hill)
BULLETPROOF (1988, Steve Carver)BUNNY O'HARE (1971, Gerd Oswald)
THE BURNING (1981, Tony Maylam)
BURNT OFFERINGS (1976, Dan Curtis)THE BUTLER (2013, Lee Daniels)
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Only now does it occur to me... BRAIN DEAD

January 22, 2015, 10:20 am
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Only now does it occur to me... that these two titans of cinema– those battling Bills, the two Williams most likely to be mixed up by children– actually starred in a movie together.  Yep, I'm talkin' Pullman and Paxton, and the movie at hand is 1990's BRAIN DEAD.
Everything seems to be in order, you got yer Pullman right here...

...and got yer Paxton right there.

BRAIN DEAD is a mediocre sci-fi mind-bender written by classic TWILIGHT ZONE contributor Charles Beaumont.  As far as paranoid medical horror flicks of the period go, it just doesn't have the manic energy of a RE-ANIMATOR or the sheer terror of a JACOB'S LADDER or the artful weirdness of a DEAD RINGERS or even the likability of a bottom-tier X-FILES episode.  It's not bad, per sé, but perhaps it would have been better suited to the length of a TWILIGHT ZONE.

The only other time the two Bills would be credited together (thus far) was on a little-seen dramedy from 2007 called THE GOOD LIFE, where Paxton starred and executive-produced and Pullman had a special thanks.

And for those keeping score at home, it is Pullman who receives top "Billing." (I wish I could take credit for that– a friend coined the phrase.)
Pullman: unsatisfied with top Bill-ing.
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Only now does it occur to me... DON'T TORTURE A DUCKLING

January 28, 2015, 9:25 am
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Only now does it occur to me...  what's up with Lucio Fulci and ducks?

Early Fulci effort DON'T TORTURE A DUCKLING (known in the United Kingdom as "DON'T TORTURE DONALD DUCK") involves child murders and headless Donald Duck dolls.


Sometimes it involves living children and intact Donald Duck dolls.


Combine this with NEW YORK RIPPER's spectacular use of a Donald Duck-voiced killer,
and you have a puzzling cinematic fetish almost on par with his love of worms, or eye injury.  What happened to Fulci?  Was it like out a giallo– some childhood trauma relating to Donald Duck (and eye injury?) compelled him to spend his days exorcising his demons on the silver screen?  Inquiring minds must know!
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Only now does it occur to me... GODZILLA VS. MEGALON

February 2, 2015, 11:21 am
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Only now does it occur to me...  that the clear highlight of GODZILLA VS. MEGALON, and perhaps human civilization to this point, is the moment when anthropomorphic, steel-masked robot Jet Jaguar holds back the arms of giant cicada Megalon so that Godzilla may effortlessly administer a full-supine, lethargic, tail-dragging high kick to Megalon's torso.  Twice.
I have preserved this moment for posterity.
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Only now does it occur to me... DOWN PERISCOPE

February 6, 2015, 3:01 pm
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Only now does it occur to me... that DOWN PERISCOPE may possess the lowest ratio of "overall quality in comparison to amount of Great character actors" from any comparable film.

I think most of us think of DOWN PERISCOPE as the moment in the 90s where our nation's thirst for the "submarine movie" peaked, having enjoyed THE HUNT FOR RED OCTOBER, CRIMSON TIDE, THE ABYSS... before beholding the Rob Schneider version.
 
 The Rob Schneider version.

Conversely, you may also think of this as "the time Kelsey Grammer put out the feelers to see what his post-'Frasier Crane' stock might be worth."
 
If we were to examine DOWN PERISCOPE through that lens, I think we'd find that it is not typical of his actual post-FRASIER output:  clearly he's found his new niche acting against type in the third installments of modern action franchises (X-MEN III: THE LAST STAND, THE EXPENDABLES 3).

Anyway, I've digressed from my original point, which is that DOWN PERISCOPE is indeed terrible, but that it contains performances by some of our finest character actors.  There's a certain cognitive dissonance that expresses itself when you're watching Rip Torn:
William H. Macy:

Bruce Dern:
and Harry Dean Stanton:

doing their best to deliver peabrained jokes about bird shit and penis tattoos.  Whew.
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Music Review: LOST THEMES (2015, John Carpenter)

February 10, 2015, 8:41 am
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Stars:  5 of 5.
Publisher:  Sacred Bones Records.
Runtime:  Forty-seven minutes, fifty-three seconds.
Personnel:  John Carpenter, Cody Carpenter, Daniel Davies.

John Carpenter: the heir to Howard Hawks, an unrivaled enthusiast of "Albertus" font, the man who has most effectively used "Rowdy" Roddy Piper, and quite possibly the greatest genre director of all time.  I have sung his praises on many an occasion.  Carpenter (often and affectionately referred to as "Carpy" on this site) is not merely "The Master of Horror"–he is also the Maestro.  It's well known that he scored or co-scored the vast majority of his films with pulse-pounding vigor (that has inspired countless electronic musicians to this day), but less well known is the remainder of his musical oeuvre, much of which was rendered with the help of buddies Nick Castle and Tommy Lee Wallace under the flag of "The Coupe de Villes."  I've reviewed the Coupe de Villes' debut album, WAITING OUT THE EIGHTIES in two parts, here and here, as well as their contributions to the soundtracks of HALLOWEEN, BIG TROUBLE IN LITTLE CHINA, and THE BOY WHO COULD FLY.

LOST THEMES is, quite obviously, not a Coupe de Villes album, but it is executed with the same unhindered passion, diligence, and privacy.  I mention privacy because I've come to believe that the hustle-bustle of a big-budget film set and the corporate entanglements therein have, over time, spoiled the joy of artistic creation for Mr. Carpenter.  However, with music, he can enter his inner sanctum and exercise the boundless powers of his imagination without unnecessary outside interference.  In a manner of speaking, this album represents the distillation of almost thirty years of artistic expression; each track brims with an élan vital, the force of feeling of a fully imagined feature-length film.  Close your eyes, lose yourself in the swirling sounds, and you're watching every film Carpy never made.  There's a reason this is entitled "LOST" THEMES.

Why, it's enough to force you to your knees like Charlton Heston at the end of PLANET OF THE APES, and scream (at the studio heads who made THE THING and BIG TROUBLE IN LITTLE CHINA such ordeals for Carpy) "You maniacs!  We could have had all these films!  Ah, damn you!  Damn you all to hell!"

But enough psychoanalytical speculation and delusional wish fulfillment... onto the album itself!

#1.  Vortex
Runtime:  Four minutes, forty-five seconds.
Impressions:  This is the track they released in advance to whet the appetites of Carpenter fans, and it's a damn good one.  Immediately it launches us back in time, overwhelming with nostalgia...  the melancholy piano chords recall ESCAPE FROM NEW YORK; the synthy cannonade, PRINCE OF DARKNESS; the impish guitars, BIG TROUBLE IN LITTLE CHINA... but you can't go home again, and consequently it feels a little gloomier than your average Carpenter track.  But a dark power lurks in that gloom, persistent, threatening to rise to the surface...
Synopsis of the Fictitious, Not-Yet-Produced John Carpenter Film I Imagine While Listening to It:  VORTEX, the fourth film of his apocalypse trilogy (THE THING, PRINCE OF DARKNESS, IN THE MOUTH OF MADNESS), a loose retelling of John Wyndham's unorthodox novel of extraterrestrial invasion, THE KRAKEN WAKES–set on an isolated sea base staffed by blue-collar, monster-slayin' heroes.  Starring Keith David, Peter Jason, and "Rowdy" Roddy Piper.

#2.  Obsidian
Runtime:  Eight minutes, twenty-four seconds.
Impressions:  Obsidian plays with several musical modes: one has more overtly pounding drums and a cosmic/heroic flavor (it feels sort of like UNDERWATER SUNLIGHT/OPTICAL RACE-era Tangerine Dream); one is darker and cheerfully macabre with tinkling arpeggios; one is thoughtful, with echoey, pensive piano; one is kickass Gothic with FOG-style cathedral organ and guitar riffs on rampage; one broods unrepentantly with percussive shakers and a wailing synth; and finally we return to the mode that began the piece.  Quite possibly my favorite track on the album.
Synopsis of the Fictitious, Not-Yet-Produced John Carpenter Film I Imagine While Listening to It:  OBSIDIAN ZONE, the story of cocksure coal miner (obviously, Kurt Russell) who accidentally forges a pathway to Lovecraftian terror and, along with his fellow miners, must use the tricks of the trade to destroy the creatures before they reach the surface.  Co-starring Yaphet Kotto, Harry Dean Stanton, and "Buck" Flower.

#3.  Fallen
Runtime:  Four minutes, forty-four seconds.
Impressions:  At the outset, this feels slightly more like a Jean-Michel Jarre track (think EQUINOX era) than a Carpenter one, but it's rather atmospheric and well-executed.  The mystery gives way to "gettin' shit done" guitar riffs out of VAMPIRES or IN THE MOUTH OF MADNESS, but it maintains a dark consistency.
Synopsis of the Fictitious, Not-Yet-Produced John Carpenter Film I Imagine While Listening to It:  In the far reaches of deep space, the leaders of a failing colony (Franco Nero and Harry Dean Stanton) must solicit help from a rival settlement run by a mysterious and dynamic commandant (Willem Dafoe), who may or may not be an iteration of the fallen angel Satan (as depicted in Milton's PARADISE LOST).  See all this and more in JOHN CARPENTER'S FALLEN.  (I imagine this as Carpy's first European co-production, with French and Italian financing.)

#4.  Domain
Runtime: Six minutes, thirty-four seconds.
Impressions:  It begins with haunting, ghostly synths–and launches into a wonderfully insane mosaic of the 1980s, flitting between a dance party and what could easily be the opening credits to an action-TV show.  It closes out with a melancholy-but-sort-of-sassy heroic theme that conjures imagery of say, a helicopter shot of a background character from MAD MAX riding a horse across a beach at sunset.
Synopsis of the Fictitious, Not-Yet-Produced John Carpenter Film I Imagine While Listening to It:  This is obviously the suite of music to Carpenter's first television series.  He directed the pilot, but then it was taken over by the same (quasi-charming?) hacks that laid claim to most of his real-life scripts for television.  It's called MASTER OF HIS DOMAIN, and it takes place in at futuristic prison, surrounded by desert in all directions.  Each week, via bloody kumite, the inmates must compete to become... MASTER OF HIS DOMAIN.  Starring Harry Hamlin, Jimmy Smits, and Philip Michael Thomas; with Wilford Brimley as "The Old Man," and Ernest Borgnine as "The Warden."

#5.  Mystery 
Runtime:  Four minutes, thirty-six seconds.
Impressions:  Sensitive and thoughtful, it begins with nearly Classical arpeggiating... that could easily accompany a space documentary on battered VHS.  Then, it gains traction and authority, and its latter half is comprised of commanding drumbeats and power chords; audacity with a hint of menace.
Synopsis of the Fictitious, Not-Yet-Produced John Carpenter Film I Imagine While Listening to It:  JOHN CARPENTER'SSHROUD OF MYSTERY, an interstellar romance (not unlike STARMAN), but one that ends with our two intergalactic wayfarers forced to confront an ancient, ghostly evil beyond the edge of the Solar System.  Starring Tom Atkins and Adrienne Barbeau.

#6. Abyss
Runtime:  Six minutes, seven seconds.
Impressions:  The beginning sounds a little Fabio Frizzi to me (Lucio Fulci's usual composer)–there's something in the tone of the modulation that feels like 80s Italy to me, though there are sparklingly dark electric pianos and deep synth chords that are pure Carpenter.  There's a tonal shift at the halfway point as a thumping beat and some reverb-y guitars get down to business.  So many of these pieces build an exquisite sense of macabre mystery before transforming into work of relentless, driving action–which is not unlike many of Carpenter's films.
Synopsis of the Fictitious, Not-Yet-Produced John Carpenter Film I Imagine While Listening to It:  HALLOWEEN III, BOOK 2: SEASON OF THE ABYSS.  Picking up directly after the end of HALLOWEEN III: SEASON OF THE WITCH, Challis (Tom Atkins) struggles to survive in a world reeling from the aftermath of Conal Cochran's masterstroke, a world bereft of children but overflowing with bugs and snakes and the mournful echoes of the Silver Shamrock song.

#7. Wraith
Runtime:  Four minutes, thirty seconds.
Impressions:  A quiet, twinkling opening slowly builds ominous momentum before finally exploding with the energy of a tempestuous, mournful guitar solo in the David Gilmour mode.
Synopsis of the Fictitious, Not-Yet-Produced John Carpenter Film I Imagine While Listening to It:  WRAITH, a John Carpenter ghost story partly inspired by the writings of M.R James, starring Dennis Dun as an investigator of paranormal phenomena, Jamie Lee Curtis as his spitfiery competitor, Donald Pleasence as his Professor, and Lee Van Cleef as "The Wraith."

#8. Purgatory
Runtime:  Four minutes, thirty-nine seconds.
Impressions: Another diptych.  The first section lays heavy, with slow, emotive strains.  The second is rootin'-tootin' action piano, lively drums, and whooshing synth FX.  This is the soundtrack to a serious film– albeit one that's not afraid to tread in 'whacky' territory.
Synopsis of the Fictitious, Not-Yet-Produced John Carpenter Film I Imagine While Listening to It:  Clearly this is the theme to CAPTAIN RON VS. THE FOG, a film which resides only in the "purgatory" of my imagination, best explained in my three-part fiction, "Carpy & The Cap'n," which can be read here, here, and here.  Starring Kurt Russell as Captain Ron, Dennis Dun as Captain Kwon, "Rowdy" Roddy Piper as Nardo, and Powers Boothe as Blake.

#9.  Night
Runtime: Three minutes, thirty-eight seconds.
Impressions: The dark and deliberate oscillations call to mind imagery of flashing lights and wet pavement, a snaking and zooming futuristic highway after dark.  Unlike many of the other 'lost themes,' Night retains the same mood throughout, with varying degrees of gloom and wonder.
Synopsis of the Fictitious, Not-Yet-Produced John Carpenter Film I Imagine While Listening to It:  John Carpenter's N.I.G.H.T., a cyberpunk thriller (which brings us full circle– William Gibson, considered to have originated the genre with NEUROMANCER, was deeply inspired by ESCAPE FROM NEW YORK) set on a stretch of crumbling superhighway near Cleveland in the ESCAPE FROM NEW YORK universe, chronicling the clashes between outlaw biker gangs (led by Lance Henriksen) and the paramilitary forces of President Donald Pleasence (led by Michael Ironside).  Co-starring Adrienne Barbeau, Brion James, Sonny Landham, Pam Grier, and featuring a cameo from Kurt Russell as Snake Plissken.

In all, LOST THEMES is a treat for the imagination; for fans of John Carpenter, for the film buffs and the dreamers, for anyone who's relished the chance to escape to another world, even if only for an afternoon...    Five stars.

–Sean Gill
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Only now does it occur to me... THE THIEF OF BAGDAD

February 18, 2015, 6:59 am
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Only now does it occur to me... that while Raoul Walsh's THE THIEF OF BAGDAD is commonly and accurately posited as the great-granddaddy of the modern action-adventure genre, rarely mentioned is its influence on... vintage video games!

Before I begin drawing somewhat absurd comparisons, I'd like to offer some sincere words of praise.  THE THIEF OF BAGDAD is truly something special, a magical fusion of the irrepressible star quality of Douglas Fairbanks, William Cameron Menzies' spectacular art direction, imaginative staging, and innovative special effects– it's truly the perfect blend of adventure-fantasy-comedy-romance, and its shadow lays heavy across the canon, from THE ADVENTURES OF ROBIN HOOD to JASON AND THE ARGONAUTS to BIG TROUBLE IN LITTLE CHINA, to the STAR WARS, INDIANA JONES, and LORD OF THE RINGS trilogies.  I could go on.  But I, devoted to bizarre 80s pop culture minutiae, shall now draw parallels (with increasing specificity) between THE THIEF OF BAGDAD and classic Nintendo games (specifically SUPER MARIO BROTHERS and the CASTLEVANIA series), whose makers were likely inspired by this classic of silent cinema.

The General:

It might seem fairly broad to draw a parallel between Douglas Fairbanks sliding down a magic, freestanding rope


and a similar action in SUPER MARIO BROTHERS,


but then there's his propensity for popping in and out of pipe-shaped wells,



his battles with dragon-like foes,



and his skillful dodging of fireballs by timing his jumps through a now-stereotypical "Cave of Danger"


which easily compares to a similar trope seen in nearly every sidescroller.


Pictured here from CASTLEVANIA I.


These are all fairly commonplace ideas, and not necessarily tied to THE THIEF OF BAGDAD,  though the film's latter "quest" half is neatly divided into levels with "bosses" at the end of each scene, with creepy enchanted forests and spider-monsters




killer man-sized bats,

and dangerous spiked gates.



The Specific:

The similarities become stranger and more explicit when we examine the NES game, CASTLEVANIA II: SIMON'S QUEST.  The ignominy of this notoriously bad sequel (best described by James Rolfe, "The Angry Video Game Nerd," in his tworeviews of the material) centers on the oppressive interruptions of the action with intertitles announcing day/night transitions, as well as its cryptic puzzle-solving (including an infamous scenario where you must kneel in a precise spot in a graveyard with a specific crystal equipped in order to summon the conveyance of a traveling tornado).

I first thought of CASTLEVANIA (and the ZELDA series, too) when Fairbanks encounters a old man who offers obscure puzzle-solving advice,


which later became a cliché in Nintendo adventure gaming:
CASTLEVANIA I.

   
CASTLEVANIA II.

But then I began to think about the day/night transitions.  THE THIEF OF BAGDAD has a greater magnitude of these than most comparable silent films.  The transitions become a plot point, too, as the Princess summons her suitors to bring her the world's most magical treasures within "seven moons."  
 

And after each moon, we're privy to a transition:

This continues throughout:

et cetera, 
et cetera...


While these title cards are not narratively bothersome in THE THIEF OF BAGDAD, it is my belief that the makers of CASTLEVANIA II, in attempting to pay homage, inadvertently peppered their game with this kind of action-pausing distraction:



Finally, for those not yet convinced, I present the coup de grace.  In THE THIEF OF BAGDAD, Douglas Fairbanks acquires a "Cloak of Invisibility."  When he wears it, he is transformed into a mostly-invisible energy tornado, and speeds along on his merry way.
 

Now, compare this to the aforementioned cryptic "traveling tornado" in CASTLEVANIA II:
Simon kneels in the cemetery with the crystal,
 summons the traveling tornado,

becomes invisible,
 and travels on his merry way.

I'm certain that this exercise has been incredibly enlightening to the two or three of you out there who are scholars of both silent film and NES gaming.
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"Mortimer's Sanctuary, and What He Found There" in Spark: A Creative Anthology

February 25, 2015, 1:42 pm
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My latest short story (an urban fantasy, from the perspective of a cockroach) may be found in Volume VI of Spark: A Creative Anthology.  It is available for purchase, here and here, in print and e-book editions.  A 35% discount is available if with the code, "GILL-FRIENDS," but it expires on May 15, 2015.  I hope you enjoy!
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Only now does it occur to me... X-MEN: FIRST CLASS

November 24, 2014, 7:14 am
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Only now does it occur to me... that X-MEN: FIRST CLASS casts a few unexpected, terrific actors in its thankless bit parts (obviously, I'm not talking about lead villain Nazi-mutant Kevin Bacon, though he was indeed unexpected).
Ring-a-ding-ding

Let's see here– we have, in the DR. STRANGELOVE-style war room, 
none other than James Remar (48 HRS., THE WARRIORS, DEXTER) is wandering around the background as "US General," according to the end credits.
It's a waste– they should have at least had him dancing.

Also in the war room, Ray Wise (TWIN PEAKS, ROBOCOP) shows up for about five seconds as "Secretary of State."
This is definitely a waste– they should have had him cry-dancing.

Given the film's use of archival JFK footage and attempts to adhere to the timeline of the Cuban Missile Crisis, I suppose Ray Wise is technically playing Dean Rusk. For about five seconds.

Finally, in a slightly more substantial role, we have Michael Ironside as "Captain," doing his typical steel-jawed military hardass bit.  
He seems to be leading the forces of the American Navy during the final showdown, though for the most part he's only raising and lowering his binoculars, alternating between looking confused and concerned.
Concerned,
then
confused.

In all, I enjoyed this movie far more than I thought I would; and though I can complain that they underused three of my favorite actors, I can't really blame them for, in the face of an enormous budget, using the money to hire character acting legends to do glorified extra work.  Hell, if I had the money, I'd hire Michael Ironside to hang out at my apartment and do my laundry.
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Only now does it occur to me... VAMPIRE IN BROOKLYN

December 1, 2014, 7:23 am
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Only now does it occur to me... that Eddie Murphy was such a student of Jean-Claude Van Damme.

Look no further than this bit from the agonizing, Wes Craven-helmed, Eddie Murphy produced-written-starred vanity piece VAMPIRE IN BROOKLYN.  In 1995, vampire-mulleted Eddie Murphy's just hangin' out with his lady friend (Angela Bassett) at a bar when a venomous snake crashes the party.

He uses a mystical technique to hypnotize and snatch the snake from the bar,

thus winning the day.

Way back in 1993, when Jean-Claude wore the same mullet in John Woo's HARD TARGET, he was enjoying some lady time in the bayou (with Yancy Butler) when a snake similarly crashed the party.

Without even ruffling his mullet, he grabbed said snake
 and employed a mystical technique to thwomp it into unconsciousness,

thus winning the day.

The big takeaway here is that talented, albeit egocentric maniac Eddie Murphy has learned a lot from Mr. JCVD– and clearly the lessons have extended from entry-level stuff like fashion and grooming  into 300 and 400 level courses, like "How To Immobilize Snakes Mid-Romantic Rendezvous."  Eddie Murphy– he's just like the rest of us, eagerly awaiting the latest offerings of Professor Van Damme.
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