Film Review: THE PHANTOM (1996, Simon Wincer)

Stars: 3.8 of 5.
Running Time: 100 minutes.
Best One-liner: "No smoking in the skull cave."

In a familiar, darkened alleyway:

"You know how I've been on a Billy Zane kick?"
–"Yeah, I guess."
"Well check out this one-sheet: look what I finally got my hands on."
–"SLAM EVIL?"
"No, THE PHANTOM!"
–"Well, it looks like it's called SLAM EVIL."
"No, it says THE PHANTOM.  See, down there."
–"Yeah, exactly.  It's all the way 'down there.' So this movie is called 'SLAM EVIL' and it stars The Phantom.  Wait, is that Billy Zane?"
"Do you listen to anything I say?"
–"Not really.  Is it worth seeing?"
"Yeah.  It's good.  I mean, I use that word relatively."
–"I always assume you do."
"It's no TALES FROM THE CRYPT: DEMON KNIGHT, is what I mean."
–"What could be?"
"Basically, it's a family-friendly swashbuckling superhero flick with a sense of fun and grand adventure.  It's a product of that four or five year span when Hollywood kept making pulpy and/or Art Deco-ish vintage comic book movies that the public didn't really want.  Stuff like DICK TRACY, THE ROCKETEER, THE SHADOW, and the like."
–"I love THE ROCKETEER."
"So do I.  I'm just saying it wasn't a super-tenable business model."
–"So what is THE PHANTOM?"
"He's a 1930s comic book hero who's become one of the best-selling and longest-running characters of all time. He's been the subject of serials, TV shows, video games and the like.

He's basically Indiana Jones combined with the Lone Ranger and DANGER: DIABOLIK.  And that ranks pretty high in my book."
–"I like Indiana Jones."
"Well, good, cause this thing is packed with Indy references, in no small part due to the participation of Jeffrey Boam (co-writer of LAST CRUSADE) and Vic Armstrong (stunt coordinator and Indy double for the entire trilogy).  There are fedoras; rope bridge scenes;

 Though this is a little more SORCERER than TEMPLE OF DOOM.

missing artifacts with magical, face-exploding powers; there's scenes where a talisman points the way on a map with a colored laser:

 From RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK.

 
 From THE PHANTOM.

similar locales and production design:
 
 From RAIDERS.


From PHANTOM.

and there's even an extended truck chase scene that features some of the exact, blow-by-blow choreography from the classic one in RAIDERS:



And one moment, with floating CGI skulls:
 
 almost prefigures the finale of an Indiana Jones movie that shall remain nameless."
–"Wow.
"Yeah."
–"I remember a way's back, you were trying to make the case that Billy Zane's eyes and eyebrows were the true stars of TITANIC.  How are they here?"
"Well, it's like how in CYBORG, we meet Van Damme's isolated leg before we even meet Van Damme.  Adhering to that logic, we naturally get an extreme closeup of Zane's gaze before we see the rest of him."

–"I think he can see into my soul!"
"Yeah, he can.  Also, speaking of TITANIC, there's a scene here where The Phantom pops up in a ladies' locker room on a boat– and promptly apologizes to the damsels."


–"Billy Zane being chivalrous on a boat... now I've seen everything!"
"Exactly.  He's a very polite superhero, not unlike, as I said, The Lone Ranger, Superman, or perhaps Adam West's take on Batman.  Here he is, taking a moment out of an action sequence to pick up and return an old lady's purse."

–"Very nice."
"Also, he gives Kristy Swanson some black pearls in a scene eerily reminiscent of when he gave Kate Winslet 'The Heart of the Ocean' in TITANIC."

–"Kristy Swanson!  I had quite the crush on her, back when I first saw DEADLY FRIEND."
"Yeah, well now you can relive that torrid affaire de coeur all over again."
–"So wait, exactly what the hell is going on here?"
"It's a bit of a hodgepodge.  There's evil international corporations, vast pirate conspiracies, magical skulls, tribal sorcery, gunplay, horseplay, swordplay, wordplay, spandex-play..."
–"Who else is in this thing?"
"Our big villain is Treat Williams, who knows exactly what movie he's in, and he's knockin' it out of the park.  A typical scene might see him greedily clasping a magic skull and moaning, 'Ohhhhh, baby!'

Conversely, his top henchman, played by James Remar, is so used to playing it straight, he's struggling with the tone a little bit.  He plays it sort of like 'Indiana Jones gone to the dark side,' but it feels occasionally awkward.  Somehow this works in the film's favor."

–"You mean like that scene in TEMPLE OF DOOM when Harrison Ford drinks the Blood of Kali and acts like he's kicking heroin?"
"Let's forget about that for a minute.  He also gets to rock out some 'Gestapo chic' when he's fighting The Phantom in the city.  Plus, his counterpart is a villainous henchwoman played by Catherine Zeta-Jones, hereafter to be referred to as 'CZJ.'  This movie might be CZJ's finest hour."
 
–"Can we not do that?  The CZJ thing?'
"Ohhh, okay.  Anyway, she's out of control and cartoonish, like a secondary villain from CARMEN SANDIEGO.  If she had a mustache, she'd be twirling it.  The beauty of her performance can be distilled in a twenty-seven second video I have entitled 'Kristy Swanson and Catherine Zeta-Jones' Finest Slap Battles.'"

–"Intense!"
"I'll say.  Finally, there's a nice tertiary villain bit by David Proval, a notorious 'gangster-character-actor' whose performances often genuinely scare me."

–"That's all well and good, but it seems to me you're giving Billy Zane the short shrift here.  Is he not Ama-Zane-ing?"
"Oh, the Zane Factor is pretty high.  It's hard to believe this was nearly a Joel Schumacher movie starring Dolph Lundgren–"
–"WHAAAAT?!"
"Yeah, at least he got to make THE PHANTOM... OF THE OPERA, eventually.  Hell, and before that, directors from Joe Dante to Sergio Leone have wanted to take a crack at The Phantom."
–"You're blowing my mind.  Who would have been Leone's Phantom?"
"I could see Eastwood, Coburn, or Bronson, frankly.  But back to Zane.  Yes, he's ama-Zane-ing, or whatever, it's just that the role isn't one of his flashiest.  Don't despair, though, there are some fine moments.  For instance, off the top of my head:

BILLY ZANE WILL LEAP OFF A HORSE AND


ONTO THE HOOD OF A TRUCK, BUT JAMES REMAR WON'T NOTICE FOR HALF A SECOND


...AND THEN HE WILL NOTICE



BILLY ZANE WILL LOUNGE AROUND, HALF-NUDE, TALKING TO HIS DEAD DAD (WHO IS PATRICK MCGOOHAN)



BILLY ZANE WILL PET THE TIGER


(WHO, INCIDENTALLY, WAS PROVIDED BY ANIMALS R US)



BILLY ZANE WILL HITCH A RIDE ON THE UNDERBELLY OF A PLANE, LIKE HE'S ROBERT DE NIRO IN CAPE FEAR



 BILLY ZANE'S THIGHS WILL COME OUT OF NOWHERE


AND STRANGLE YOU


TILL YOU PASS OUT

–"Holy cow!"
"Yup.  Naturally, all of this leads up to a final confrontation where Zane and Williams face off while wielding magical lasers; Williams' emanate from the purloined skull, and Zane's shoot forth from his wicked skull ring.  Consequently, it sorta feels like the end of SPACEBALLS."




 
 
 –"Now that's a thing of beauty."
"It sure is."
–"Oh, by the way– is there smoking in the skull cave?"


"Don't say that too loudly:  Billy Zane's thighs are apt to pop out of nowhere and strangle you unto unconsciousness.  In other words:  no smoking in the skull cave."

–Sean Gill


EDIT:  I just discovered the existence of the following vintage "Got Milk?" ad, and I must include it, without comment, for the sake of future generations.